A wilderness of depression and pie...

Ten days ago I set out to walk in the wilderness with Jesus. I intended to join Him through 40 days of prayer and fasting, as He had at the beginning of His ministry, and leave behind my wilderness of depression; pursuing peace and rest with Him. (I want to note that I am also pursuing medical treatment and counseling for my depression - while I believe Jesus is the author of peace and rest, He also equips people with counseling skills and doctors that can help care for people in need.)

My fast was to have no solid food (including milkshakes or smoothies) before 5 pm each day. The goal was to have my hunger point me to being fulfilled in Christ instead of food. I wanted to see Him as having everything I need, instead of trusting in my own ability (or sugary carbs) to make me feel complete. My emptiness was not a condition of my stomach, but my soul and through prayer and contemplation I wanted to experience neediness in a way that would not be cured by my own hand.

After successfully completing a quarter of the fast, I wanted to reflect on my experience and I have noticed a few interesting things. First, your body can very quickly adjust to not eating. After only a few days, the lethargy, stomach cramps and crankiness went away. I was able to drink coffee and water and broth until 5pm without too much difficulty. Actually, the hardest part was smelling the bacon my husband fried up for his breakfast every morning!

For ten days I waited until 5pm on the dot, in spite of Christmas festivities and special activities. I could make a special breakfast for my kids and not snitch a single crumb. I was downright legalistic about the execution of my fast and felt very proud of myself.

Until I started noticing the change in my eating habits. Since I was fasting, I allowed myself the occasional loaded latte from Starbucks and called it coffee, thinking "sure it has lots of sugar in the flavor syrup, but I'm fasting. A little sugar and fat won't hurt me." I started eating things like Christmas cookies and pie at 5:01pm because I had gone all day without food. David and I went on 2 dates in 3 days because I was super hungry. I was fasting, of course we should get extra trips to our favorite Mexican restaurant (complete with margaritas and bottomless chips and salsa). I realized, I wasn't exercising a fast of going without - I was living a life of delayed gratification.

I'm not against holiday baking and I'm certainly not against margaritas, but my fast was initiated with the specific intent to experience neediness, want, emptiness, hunger, even pain. I wanted to be dependent. I wanted to stop looking to food as an emotional band-aide and find true healing in Christ. But after just a few days, I was back to my old mental practices of duct-taping my heart together with food and treats. My focus was no longer on the Good Shepherd, but on the green grass that could be found at 5:01pm just over that hillside. I was still wandering away from the Shepherd to fend for myself, rather than trusting Him to provide.

It's the age old problem with any type of sacrifice done from the wrong motivation. In Matthew 6 Jesus points to the hypocrisy of fasting, giving alms and prayer that are done out of a heart of self-righteousness and pride. When we do things to look good, looking good is our only reward. Ananias and Sapphira hold back part of their monetary gift and lie about it, bringing instant judgment from God in Acts 5. David speaks to the condition of his heart Psalm 51 stating that God didn't want his sacrifices and offerings, but "a broken and contrite heart".

The natural, fallen condition of our heart is one that wants to be able to claim self-sufficiency. Adam and Eve wanted the one thing God had not given them (for their own good), in a perfect garden where all their needs were supplied. The Israelites were saved from slavery and death and demanded a god their size, rather than a holy God that could shake the mountains with smoke and fire. Pharisees and scribes wanted a law with checkboxes rather than a true Savior. We would rather be white-washed tombs and die, than live a life of dependency.

I think a lot of us somewhat resent the imagery of being sheep. We think of sheep as stupid and clumsy. We resent the idea that Jesus might have to pick us up and carry us home or break our leg to keep us safe from ourselves. Yet all of history shows our inadequacy to be complete on our own. Even while experiencing perfect provision, we find a way to be discontent with God's best. But I don't think being a sheep means being stupid and clumsy. In the parable of the lost sheep (Luke 15) Jesus tells of a man who searches for one lost sheep and celebrates its return. The sheep is still uniquely created by God, given a purpose for its life, intentionally chosen by the Shepherd and celebrated when returned. Being a sheep doesn't mean we are stupid and incapable of expressing our purposes or ideas. Being dependent does not mean that we aren't gifted and talented.  Being a metaphorical sheep doesn't negate that we were created in the image of God Himself, full of love, creativity, intelligence, reason and beauty. Being a sheep just means that left to our own devices, we will choose to wander. And every person on the planet has proven it to be true.

One of my all-time favorite hymns reads " O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be. Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, O take and seal it. Seal it to Thy courts above."

The answer to my fasting dilemma is not to give up. It is not to further legalize my food intake ("just say no to chips and salsa and pie"). Rather, it is to bind my wandering heart to Him. It is to reaffirm my neediness and my wandering tendencies to my Good Shepherd. In Him are riches better than cookies and pie - in Him there is peace and rest. For this life and forever.

An uncommon call to follow

Richard Rohr writes in his daily devotional: "Christians prefer to hear something Jesus never said: "Worship me." Worship of Jesus is rather harmless and risk free; following Jesus changes everything."

I was completely blown away by the truth of this sentence. I think most people enjoy worship. We feel good about ourselves. We enjoy the group of people we are with. We hear, see and experience something that helps us feel recharged and better about facing the next week. Sometimes its the comfort of the ritual. Sometimes its the message of love and grace. Sometimes its the singing. Whatever connects to that person individually, Sunday morning worship is a gratifying experience.

Richard Rohr continues saying:
"I have often thought that this "non-preaching" of the Gospel was like a secret social contract between clergy and laity as we shake hands across the sanctuary. We agree not to tell you anything that would make you feel uncomfortable and you will keep coming to our services.....The discernment and call to a life of service, to a life that gives itself away instead of simply protecting and procuring in the name of Jesus, is what a church should be about. Right now, so much church is the clergy teaching the people how to become co-dependent with them. It becomes job security instead of true spiritual empowerment."

While I would not say that this is true about my specific church, I would agree that it is the feel of the American christian church. This idea of worshipping Jesus in corporate fashion (sponsored on the basis of those who attend) cannot help but involve some question of "what does my church want to hear, what add-ons (coffee, donuts, childcare, summer camps, social events, etc) will incentivize more people to come, what comforts do the people need to make this a priority in their weekend, when we are competing with sleep, sports, TV and a million other activities. As church has become another form of entertainment or at least a feel-good activity, the co-dependent relationship becomes a fundamental element of a church's priority. Does the bible make you feel uncomfortable, well, we don't have to read from that. Do sermons seem to drag on too long, we can shorten those up for you. Not exciting enough? We can renovate our space for bigger stages, more lights, better speakers and large glowing screens with streaming graphics and videos. Church becomes more like a concert or movie theater and less of a place that challenges you to live a life of sacrifice and submission.

But following Jesus.....wow. This is a call to complete dependence, not co-dependence. We bring nothing and look to Him for everything. We give up our false impression of control and depend on Him for setting our direction. His call dictates our actions. And He may call us to somewhere we don't want to go. He may speak to us things we don't want to hear. He may lead us places that make us uncomfortable. Following is the ultimate form of self-sacrifice. Once we have given up all control to Him, He can call us into those places where He will use us for His glory. In this place, it isn't about our comfort. It isn't about earthly success. It isn't about things that feed my pride and sense of self worth.

My son once said, "I'm not sure what that sin (referring to adultery) means, but I think I can avoid it by following Jesus. Jesus will never lead me to sin." He was probably 9 or 10 at the time but was able to translate the gospel into the simplest truth. Jesus will never lead me to sin. I don't need to be dependent on my own wisdom, I just need to follow. I don't need a list of do's and don'ts, I just need to follow. I don't need to see the bigger picture or understand my place in the grand design, I just need to follow.

Everything in our world tells us to avoid this type of dependence at all costs. Be your own person. No one can tell you who to be or what to do. Claim your own truth. Do what makes you happy. Take care of number one. The only person you can trust is yourself.

And yet, people end up in unhappy marriages, addicted to substances, working their lives away in jobs they don't like to buy things they don't need. The whole model of being a self-made person is lonely, empty and accumulates things that can be taken from you.

Jesus' model sets out to free us from ourselves - to free us from the lie that all we need is that next accomplishment, possession or relationship.

Worship is easy.

Following is simple, but not easy.

My Nana's Nails

I was looking in the store for the perfect color of nail polish the other day. I knew exactly what it was, as I had seen it on my Nana's nails all my life. Her perfect self made manicure was always fresh, never chipped and worked in every season.

I remember my own progression of nail polish going from bubble gum pink, to hot pink with glitter, to the requisite black of my teen years, to red hot during college and then an overpriced French manicure after landing my first real job. Throughout all of these transitions, Nana's nails remained the same; a mauvish dusty-rose color. This bottle of hers sat on an end table next to small fingernail clippers and an Emory board. At this same table her hands would pick up a juice glass of blush wine while reading the latest Dick Francis novel. These fingers would dog-ear the pages of her daily Guidepost devotional. They mended clothes and quilted in perfect little stitches. These fingers tapped on the steering wheel in time to the latest Michael W Smith cassette tape in her car or took notes on her seemingly endless yellow legal pads that covered nearly every surface of her dining room table. These were the fingers that rub the stain out of anything while a soft concentrated whistle escaped her lips. These fingers wrote letters and cards to her loved ones, tightly gripped a zip line over her brothers lake and held boarding passes to Costa Rica and Paraguay to visit her family who were serving as missionaries overseas. Later in life, those fingers gently stroked her cats, turned pages in quilt magazines and cheered Derek Jeter with each run scored. In her last days, in hospice care, my mother-in-law kept those nails manicured, knowing that it kept a part of her present, even though she was slipping away from us. It’s amazing how thinking of her hands reminds me of so many things she did. She was a woman of amazing accomplishments, but what she did was not the same as who she was. 

When I think about the choice of color, that subtle mauve lacquer, I think about who she was. She was a woman who spent most of her life working in a man’s world. Long before it was cool to be sexy and smart, she could manage with strength in an Anne Taylor suit paired with slingback heels. She could stand shoulder to shoulder with the male leaders in a Fortune 500 company, dressed in timeless suit separates, elegant jewelry, and a perfectly coiffed perm. She wasn’t vain, but in her wisdom, she knew she was being judged not only on her work, but on her work “as a woman”. She would never be viewed (or paid) equally with her male counterparts, regardless of how consistently she performed her work at the highest caliber. She knew she had to look feminine enough to be the token woman when required, but most days she was simply doing her job well. She needed to portray grace and strength. Femininity and authority. Every inch a woman, but just as professional as a man. Navigating these elements in the 80’s and 90’s looked different than it does today, although I’m not sure the glass ceiling has budged that much. She was my role model as a professional woman, a business woman, a female leader even in male dominated industries. 

I’ve worked in engineering, management and leadership in academia - each surrounded by men and often in positions of authority. There are countless times that I’ve faced a situation at work and thought to myself, “what would Nana do?”. When I first started in industry, Nana spoke frankly into my work life, boldly telling me when my skirt was too short, my heels to high or my attitude too cocky. She gave me healthy doses of realism to counter my utopian text book view of the world. She gave me wisdom for interpersonal relationships, from the lowest paid part timer through the CEO. She wanted me to learn from her success but was humble enough to share with me her mistakes. Her nail polish choice is a perfect example of how she found balance in so many situations throughout her life.

I painted my nails mauve with a smile on my face, with wonderful memories of my Nana and hopes that I have made her proud. 

A Few Hours of Uncommonness

Sunday I was a klutz and ended up with a badly sprained ankle. That day and the next were characterized by ice, rest, ace bandages and watching my ankle swell and turn 6 shades of purple. It wasn’t broken and thankfully, I was blessed with family who immediately dropped what they were doing to help me heal. Tuesday I had several work related meetings that had to happen, but once again was supported with people driving me places and taking care of all the household duties to minimize my time on my feet. The ankle continued to ache when I put weight on it and stairs were absolutely miserable. I began a form of limp/hopping which was tiring, but not as painful. However, Wednesday I had to travel to Orlando for work. Once again, people pitched in to make the process as easy as possible and my coworkers were very thoughtful about our schedule, giving me an extra chair to prop my foot on during the meeting and moving our meals to locations that were closer to the hotel so I didn’t have to hop so far. While my leg was feeling better, the long walks in the terminals in Orlando and Indy, carrying a heavy bag over my shoulder didn’t sound like fun. So, just like the flight from Indianapolis, I asked for a wheelchair in Orlando when I got my boarding pass. This process meant having an airline worker push me in a wheelchair through the airport (including the expedited line through security) and leaving me at the gate with a priority board pass. I would be the first on the plane, choose any seat I wanted and have a wheelchair waiting for me in Indianapolis waiting to take me to the curb. However, unlike the flight   to Indy, where I waited about 45 minutes in the chair, in Orlando I was going to wait over four hours.

Placed by the windows, I quickly saw that moving around was going to be hard. I rolled my wheelchair up to a blocked aisle way and asked the woman if she could momentarily move her things so I could get to the bathroom. Not only did she move her stuff, she offered to push me all the way to the ladies room. I quickly accepted her help and appreciated her maneuvering skills to the wider aisles of the airport. However, once positioned near the stall, she left me on my own.

I came out of the restroom and got back in my chair. Part of me knew I could hobbled around more easily than try to spend the next hours in a wheelchair, but another part of me wanted to know what it was like to experience this type of hardship, even just for a few hours.

My cousin as Cerebral Palsy and spent much of his youth in a wheelchair. As a kid, I was jealous of the attention it brought him, how he got moved to the front of the line immediately and how his therapy sounded awesome, like horseback riding and swimming. But I knew his life, which will most likely end tragically early as his body slowly shuts down, was not all about people serving him. This experiment was in no way meant to trivialize people with disabilities, but rather help me better appreciate what so many disabled people have to live with their whole lives.

First, everyone stares at you. Everyone. I’ve got an air cast on my leg, so it doesn’t take them long to figure out “what’s wrong with me” but they make no effort to disguise that they are searching for the reason I am sitting in this chair. There is a very real sense of being examined by almost everyone who walks by. Not only do they stare at you, they stare DOWN at you. Sitting in this chair, everyone expect the smallest children are taller than me. This downward gaze reflected pity, curiosity, judgment and even drew a few smirks.

Second, you have to ask for help. I rolled myself from the ladies room to the snack area, knowing I wouldn’t get to eat again until very late tonight. The aisle ways in the airport convenience store were not wide enough for my chair and I couldn’t reach anything except the shelf right at arm level. To get a  chobani yogurt, a fruit cup and a bottle of Pellegrino required me asking the clerk to get these things for me. She quickly responded as was very pleasant and helpful, but I quickly noticed that despite all the ADA laws, the stores and dining facilities within the airport were not wheelchair accessible.

This led me to another quick realization. ADA laws provide minimum requirements and most establishments tend towards that minimum. While the people who pushed my wheelchair for me were able to navigate the aisles pretty easily, wheelchairs require skill. The woman who helped push me to the bathroom bumped me into several walls and trashcans, as she was a novice at pushing wheelchairs. When I was pushing myself, I could barely navigate the bathroom aisle way and curved door. Yes, the wheelchair could technically fit, but it was by no means spacious. I was struggling to move around and wondered how fast the wheelchair learning curve is for most people.

I decided to take a trip to Starbucks. This involved wheeling myself about a quarter of a mile to the Starbucks location, at the far end of the food court. Within just a few minutes, I was tired and my arms were aching. Thankfully, I received a work phone call and got a 13 minute break while talking on the phone before moving forward. Rolling my own wheelchair meant I could only do that one thing. Both hands were occupied and my full concentration and physical effort was on my movements. I learned quickly that short rotations of the wheels was easier than long pushes and that this wheelchair favored the left side, requiring me to constantly realign towards the right to go in a straight line. While some people moved for me, there were lots of oblivious people who nearly ran into me because they were walking quickly and not looking down. At Starbucks, it was obvious that their line was not going to work for me. It wound back and forth, which would require four 180 degree turns. Even if the aisles were wide enough (which I highly doubted) I was not skilled enough to travel through them. So instead, I waited for everyone in line to clear out of the way and then rolled up through the exit. Once I ordered, I had to back up blindly, trying not to hit their shelves and signs positioned near the line to try to inspire impulse purchases. With no seating area near the Starbucks, I decided to roll all the way back to the gate and was determined to do it without stopping. I was becoming a better navigator in the chair, but once again, my arms were quickly tired and I was forming blisters on my left hand, which had to grip the wheel more tightly due to the poor alignment issues. Once back at the gate, I was happy to lock my wheels and enjoy the well-earned spoils of my efforts. My apple watch registered my accelerated heart rate and gave me exercise credit for the effort required to move just a half mile round trip. The whole trip (not including my 13 minute phone call) was 22 minutes. At least twice as long as it would have taken me if I had been walking.

Having exhausted myself, I was now content to sit and read while I waited for the boarding of my plane to begin. After another hour of just sitting and reading, I realize that the Starbucks has created a need to go back to the ladies room one more time before boarding the plane. I roll myself into the restroom to discover the handicap stall is closed. I decide that is more important that I don’t wet my pants, rather than stick to my experiment, so I go ahead and stand up and hop into a regular stall, leaving my chair in the middle of the aisle. It strikes me as a small luxury – standing. My backside feels heavy in this stiff chair with my 25 pound luggage living on my lap. Standing gives not only my butt a break, but also my shoulders, hips and back. My left hand is red and raw from the awkward grip on the chair wheel and pressure to keep me on course. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable the other parts of me where, being confined to this chair for the past 3.5 hours. My thoughts quickly go to my cousin and so many others who live their lives in wheelchairs. They can’t just choose to stand. They can’t decide life is too inconvenient or uncomfortable in their chair. They aren’t allowed to get tired of it.

This week I met a new coworker and over dinner she heard the story of my pregnancies, David’s deployments and all the challenges we faced during those years. She marveled at what we had been through and said “I will never again complain about raising my 20 month old, while we both enjoy our health and my husband comes home every night.” It was a sweet comment, but the truth is, she will. Just like I swore to never take for granted my husband’s presence after years of being apart. And yet, I do. My normal now, like so many others, is normal. Everything seems stable – jobs, kids, family, friends. Yet, just 4 hours in this chair makes me think about the great health I have been given and simple freedoms I enjoy. To stand. To walk. To function in a space that is so obviously designed for those of us that take for granted our health, while those that struggle have reminders everywhere they go that this world was not made to accommodate them. I can’t help but wonder if I had been born with a disability, would I ever truly feel normal? Could I ever fully accept and embrace my difficulties, while the majority of people pass me by with a pitiful glance?

My 4 hours is a drop in a bucket, but for me, I pray that I can love a little more deeply, serve a little more quickly, and be thankful in all circumstances. 

The Ongoing Challenge

I've started up on the Whole Life Challenge again. This was the breakthrough event of earlier this year that led to me seeing new levels of discipline, self-control and huge gains in life. I loved the challenge and I won for our Crossfit Box. I was so excited to get back on the challenge in May that I immediately began recruiting people to join me.

So we are now a few weeks into the challenge and I am doing horribly. In fact, I think I am doing worse now than when I was in between challenges. It's really started to make me mad and so I have had to reflect on why this is happening. The answer, as plain as day, is also the ugly truth.

I haven't engaged any mental or spiritual components to the challenge yet.

Going into January's challenge, I would pray about it. I would think about it. I would journal about it. Every morning I had a challenge reflection journal (not the required reflection post, but my own personal journal) where I mentally prepared to face the day. I wanted to win the challenge and I was making the effort (spiritual, metal and physical) to bring about that reality.

We have all grown up in a world, much like Ancient Rome, where the present is elevated and life is about feeling happy in the moment. The concept of an orgy was not just sexual to the Romans. They would have feasting parties where the goal was to eat everything they could until the vomited and then eat some more. They would drink to excess using the same process. To win over the masses (who were impoverished and dying of disease and hunger) they would hold games in the colosseum and feed everyone who attended for free. They distributed bread and held massive parties open to the public during the Triumphs of Julius Caesar. Food was not food - food was a celebration. Food was medicine. Food was comfort. And we live in a culture that is a stone's throw away from this same perspective. All commercials tell you to indulge in what's bad for you, because you deserve it. There is no more concept of self-control as a virtue - the virtue celebrated in our culture is instant gratification. So we American's as a culture throw away 40% of our food (just think of any restaurant if you think this number seems to high) and we eat whatever we feel like at the time.

The challenge goes toe to toe with this idea and says, eat what will actually make your body work well and feel good over the long haul. The challenge gives indulgence points to make room for those times that there are special things to celebrate (birthdays and weddings and the occasional date night) but holds us accountable to doing what is right instead of what feels right, right now. You don't have to read very many writings of Paul to see him address these same issues in scripture. Self-control is often found in lists describing what a Spirit led life looks like. Paul grew up in those times of Roman excess - he saw the culture around him and knew that it was hard to resist. He knew that the human interaction with food, in that type of culture - our type of culture, is a spiritual battle, not a battle of the flesh.

The owner of Crossfit Uncommon, Pete, really started to get frustrated as the challenge went on, reading posts of people talking about indulging in some forbidden food and then paying the price the next day in their workout or by how they felt. He wrote that knowledge was the key to help yourself make better choices - knowing what the food does to your body will keep you from eating it.

I think of Josh or Bunny or any of the other people we know with allergies and we would never give them food that makes them sick. Yet I willing eat yummy food that I know will make my stomach hurt later all the time. I've struggled with my weight, with arthritic inflammation, headaches and depression. Food directly impacts all of these. A clean diet (and Paleo diet in my case) dramatically helps each of these issues. And yet I give into my cravings for Chumleys, for Poblanos, for the extra glass of wine, and so on and so on.

This battle we have is not with food - it is with ourselves and our fallen nature. This culture we live in is nothing new - it just has new ways of promoting itself with the internet and portable electronic devices. The same God Paul relied on through his process of dying to himself to live for Christ is the same God we serve. The same Spirit that gave him strength is indwelling us.

Now, I'm not trying to beat anyone over the head with spiritual guilt. But I am wanting to be very clear with myself - and anyone else who finds this helpful - this challenge or any other challenge in life, is not meant to be faced alone. It is meant to be done through the power of the Holy Spirit in reliance on Him. It is meant to be done in prayer. It is meant to be done in community. I now put this out into the atmosphere - I will have perfect points for the remainder of the challenge. Not because God expects perfection - but because in His strength, it is possible.

Challenge accepted. Again.

A day off..

Today I am taking a day off from life.

I've been trying to come down with some sort of cold, but even though I don't feel measurably worse, I decided to take a day off from life. Because every once in awhile we don't need to be a person.

I've been binge watching "Parenthood" while grading seemingly infinite stacks of papers, just because I can't seem to keep my focus without noise in the background. This show has captivated my attention (admittedly much more than my students papers) because of the simple way of telling the story of people living life.

I watch what my husband has deemed a "happy-go-lucky chick show" and pondered why I care so much about these fictional people. This large family walks through ordinary situations of bullying, marital stress, holidays, rebellious teenagers and other every day things in an awkward, backwards, fumbling and apologetic way. It's life - ordinary, every day life.

And so today, I take a break from my to-do list and goals and schedule and instead revel in finishing my grading and clearing out my email in-box and stay all day in my yoga pants. When my last grades were entered, I pulled out a mostly empty pint of cookies and cream ice cream and dug around with my spoon selecting the largest chunks of cookie that I could find.

And so I sit  - on the couch - having eaten a lot of ice cream (which will probably come back to haunt me later) - watching someone else's story, while I press pause on my story.

This morning as I read in Hebrews 10:23, it says "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." This verse made me think about how the story line of our lives is wrapped up in the identity of who Christ is - not in ourselves. We spend our days walking through our schedules, checking off our lists and trying to make the most of each day. But the truth is that we spend our days trying to do things that are meaningful, but the deepest meaning comes from the fact that God is faithful. I can take a day off and it doesn't make me less of a person - it doesn't make me a failure; because who I am is not the same as what I do.

Parenthood is a great show of a loving family and their ups and downs, but the anxiousness that runs through their lives is because their family is all they have. Their faith is in each other - which means the ups and downs of the relationships completely rocks their lives. And yet for us, we have a hope without wavering - nothing that rocks us. The author of Hebrews also states that this hope is "an anchor for our soul".

I picture a ship out in the ocean - the waves and the storm may rock the ship and cause it to toss and turn in really scary ways. But when your confidence is in an anchor that is sure and unwavering, the storms won't undo you - they may shake you and drench you in cold salt water, but you won't be undone.

I spent a long time living as if my to-do list was all I ever had to offer and the way to justify my time. I could say I mattered, because I could point to all the ways I was indispensable. I desperately wanted to stop, but I was afraid if I stopped I wouldn't be deserving of anyone's love anymore. But since I've discovered what it means to have an anchor for your soul, I can have a day off. I don't have to produce - I don't have anything to prove. Ice cream and strechy pants work just fine for me.

Uncommon Wealth

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. I must admit, it was one of the best birthdays I have ever had in my life. The day started waking up to a beautiful 70 degree morning with a perfectly blue sky and a view of desert blooms and cacti growing over the hills surrounding us. We then discovered an amazing breakfast nook, enjoyed a spring training game of the Cubs and then ate dinner outdoors (again with that perfect 70 degree weather and slight breeze) with the view of the desert during dusk and the "world famous" fountain of fountain hills. Driving through the townships surrounding Phoenix, you can see amazing wealth of palatial homes and poverty of crowded trailer parks with barely the space to breathe between one mobile home to the next. Between the people struggling to find work and those who have retired into a life of luxury, David and I enjoyed a day that is probably one of the most perfect days of my life.

Over the past few months, I have become more and more aware of my incredible wealth in this life. Between studying about deep intimacy with the Holy Spirit and diving ever more deeply into the love of God described in 1 Corinthians 13, I have experienced a type of awakening to the reality of my life. In the normal day to day habits of work and chores and disciplining kids, it can be easy to overlook the blessings that infuse each day. At the beginning of January, I very intentionally pursued seeing God move in the every day of life. I wanted a better understanding of what it meant to experience the "life to the full" that Jesus intends for His people. I knew the indwelling of the Spirit was supposed to be more than the few moments of peace and reflection during my daily quiet time. God promised His continual presence and I wanted to know what that tangibly looked like in an overfilled schedule of modern day America. 

In Ephesians 3, Paul writes : For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. (Eph 3:14-19)

This amazing passage has been described by Tim Keller as a passage to instruct us on how to meditate on the richness of God's love. That we would examine God's love to try to explore its breadth, and length and height and depth. The picture I always imagine comes from sitting on the balcony of a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean, when you can't see any other land. How could one possible measure the depths and breath of such vastness? How could one ever fully comprehend all that it holds and the depths beyond where we can see? Like that ocean, God's love is endless - it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Cor 13:7). 

This uncommon wealth comes from the riches of His glory - an endowment from God Almighty to His beloved children. His desire is to strengthen our inner selves to better be filled with the fullness of His love. We are incapable of experiencing the fullness of His love without first being strengthened in our inner selves. And that is the journey I have enjoyed over the past few months that led me to this moment of extraordinary gratitude and contentment. In pursuing strength and discipline and self control (through the Holy Spirit - certainly not in my own effort) God has prepared in my heart a fertile soil in which He can grow my comprehension of His love. 

This isn't that God loves me any more - for His love is always perfect and boundless. But now, He is preparing in me the ability to better receive His love. He is opening my eyes to see His graciousness in the everyday. He is softening my heart to experience His presence in the ordinary and underwhelming nature of life. He is opening my ears to hear the sweet love song He sings over me, instead of being caught up in the noise of our culture. He is stripping away the walls that have held Him at arms distance, to better experience His embrace.

We must first be strengthened or we would collapse under the substantial weightiness of His perfect love. Like Moses in the cleft of the rock, we must be shielded from the glory of God, until the day comes where we are made like Him and can see Him face to face. This world is filled with things and stuff that distract us, entertain us, please us, fill us, disappoint us, hurt us and always, whether seemingly good or bad, leave us empty and wanting more. But God has a richness that cannot be measured on a balance sheet or bank account. The supernatural glory of His love is beyond what anything made with human hands can contain. Even our own spirits, made in the nature of God Himself, cannot fully experience all He wants to give...yet. But as we more and more open ourselves to Him, we can know His riches, no matter where life has you now.

May you know God's rich love even more deeply today....

Uncommon Losses

The challenge ended last night. For the record:Pre challenge-206.4 lbsBMI 31.6Body fat 34.2Hips 48.125Waist 43.25Workout score - 93
Post challenge-196.2 lbsBMI 30Body fat 31.1Hips 46Waist 41.25Workout score - 127


At this moment, with 26 competitors reporting their scores, I am sitting in first place for this challenge. The initial victory is that I even finished the challenge, because I have never done that before. I've always given up at the point that it felt hopeless. I would give in to momentary desires (more sleep, more TV, more food, more wine) and ignore my long term goals. And so I sat in limbo, knowing that I wanted to change and feeling incapable of doing so. The thing is, everyone who took part in the challenge is better than me in some way. I didn't win by being the best - I won by being my best. 

We ask our kids, who struggle with being motivated for homework, "did you do your best work". We already know the answer and so do they, but saying the question out loud forces them to admit that they could have put in more effort. I too, needed to force myself to say that I wasn't working as hard as I could. Even in this challenge, I had lazy days and ate a few foods that I shouldn't have. It made me feel sick and lethargic. Winning the challenge feels great - but it doesn't feel nearly as great as I have felt doing the challenge. The process is the true victory.


I am so far from where I want to be and I have major goals that are still on my radar (like that sprint triathlon coming up in just a few weeks) but I am actually walking the path that will get me where I want to go. And that is new.


This path requires loss. This path requires humility. This path requires that you step out of the comfortable places that feel so cozy and put yourself in a place to fail. 


My husband is a great example of this. He is currently in the Cross Fit Open, the first part of the competition to find the fittest man and woman on earth. In this international competition, he is going toe to toe with the best of the best. They offer a less difficult workout so that more people can compete, just to be a part of the community of athletes. But if you do the reduced (scaled) version, you can't win. My husband could rock the scaled version of these workouts, but he is choosing to do the very same workout as the best athletes on earth (most of whom are at least 10 years younger than him). It isn't about winning. It's about being willing to put yourself out into a field of competitors that forces you to push beyond what you thought was possible. And I am so proud of his courage and humility - being willing to lose - to gain something greater in himself.


If you want to become more educated in a field, you have to find people smarter than you are and learn from them.


If you want to learn a new skill, you have to find people better than you and let them teach you.


If you want to be stronger than you are now, you have to find people who are stronger than you are and let them coach you.


If you want to be holier than you are now, you need to find spiritual mature believers who can be honest with you and exhort and encourage you.


There is no path to a higher plane that doesn't involve forcing yourself to move beyond where you are now and uncomfortably grow into who you can be.


Paul says in Philippians 3:8 "More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ" 


Paul had to give up his spiritual pride as a pharisee and let go of his accolades of his birthright and upbringing. To gain Christ, he had to loose himself.

Even Christ Himself gave up his throne and gave up His life to gain us. 

I've never really liked losing and for the sake of my pride, I have held back in almost every area of my life. While other people may have thought I was doing well, I rarely did my best. While other people thought I was running at a high capacity, I was never pushing myself to a place of discomfort - the place of growth. While I seemed good compared to others, its because I put myself in positions where I would't be challenge, couldn't come up short, wouldn't seem like I wasn't enough. That box was getting smaller and smaller and I knew I was feeling claustrophobic. 

This is still an uncommon journey and I have a long way to go. But I am finally willing to lose...and gaining so much in return!

Relentless vs. Restless

I was asked a question that has echoed my own thoughts often in this journey over the past few weeks - where is the rest? How do you give 100% in everything without feeling completely worn? Is there a difference between pushing yourself and pushing too far? Isn't listening to your own need for rest and respite important too?

I have two answers to this line of questioning - the theoretical that I know to be true and the functional of what I am trying to live out. I'll start with the theoretical.

If I am living free of fear, I should be doing less, I should be receiving more quality rest and I should be experiencing a higher degree of satisfaction and peace. Theoretically, the 100% all out life is easier than the life of fear. Here's a couple tangible examples from my own life: 

 - Every night at 8:00pm the crossfit workout for tomorrow is posted on Facebook. I look at it and immediately know whether or not this is going to be extra hard for me or hurt or be uncomfortable. If I am scheduled to go to that workout, I now have hours to worry about it. I can lay awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to imagine just how awful it will be. No rest there.

- There is tension in a relationship and I am afraid to go into those places that are difficult and strained. I want it to be better but I'm afraid of making it worse. My mind become preoccupied with how the conversation might go and my brain is busy swirling through scenarios of conversations (which almost always go poorly in my head). I worry. I can't sleep. I'm preoccupied throughout the day. I'm stressed.

- In effort to make sure people aren't disappointed in me, I say yes, even when I don't really have time or energy. I start filling up my schedule with things that are not what God is calling me to, but simply a reaction of mine - fear of saying no - fear of confrontation - fear of disappointment. And the time for other things simply disappears.

- Due to my pride and fear of losing my reputation, I have an expectation of how much I think I can do and how well it should be done. A party isn't just a party - it's the best party I've ever thrown and better than everyone else's parties. In effort to make sure I look great (or at least better than my peers) I have to go above and beyond, proving my worth. Solidifying my role as the best. And so every activity becomes a competition with myself and with others - even though no one wins at this game. I'm not doing extra because I want to - I'm doing more because I'm afraid of not being enough.

A life free of fear would eliminate so much of the crowding in my schedule. My sleep would dramatically improve and my mental state would be calm and peaceful. In this state, the relentlessly fearless life, becomes a serene and restful life. In the times that are now freed from my previously fear induced activity, I can enjoy a good book, a long walk or even an episode of Gilmore Girls with my daughter. In my free mental state I can be productive when I need to be productive and experience a rested mind when I don't really need to be doing anything. I can sleep in peace.

So how do I break the cycle? How do I determine what is busy work or fearful work and what is actual a necessity in life?

- Change the measure of success: I work full time (between 2 part time jobs), have three kids, a husband, a household to run and local friends and family whom I love. I can't also maintain a list of 6 or 8 or 10 things to do each day. I can do 3. Three things outside of my work and regular household routine. If I forget the fear of my reputation or rejection, I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I can just do a normal day's worth of activity. And that means choices. I'm going to have to choose to not do things. I'm going to say no to people. I'm going to not have the "greatest" _____________ all the time. Some days will be more productive than others but I can't run myself ragged or perpetually feel behind.

- Stop comparing: 100% can look like a lot of different things to different people. When I say I want to give 100% to something, that is not a relative measure. It is a definitive measure set by how God made me. Mine won't look like anyone else's and therefore cannot be compared. I know when I've done my best and I certainly know how it feels to think my best isn't good enough. I need to let that go. It's not about trying to do something less well, but trying to be realistic about what my best looks like - not motivated by pride or fear.

- Less knowledge can be better: Sometimes fear of the unknown stems from knowing just enough to be afraid of it. Knowing the workout is what makes me afraid - because then I dwell on it. Having a practice conversation in a tense situation makes me afraid - because it's already gone badly in my mind.

God didn't tell Abraham everything he would experience to receive the promised son or tell Paul everything that a life of missions would bring. They obeyed based on the knowledge He gave in that moment. Just one step.

Francis Chan "Forgotten God" talks about walking in the Spirit as taking just one step at a time, without knowing the full big picture. The unknown brings fear because we wonder whether or not we are prepared. But prepared for what? We imagine the worst for ourselves and our lives, because that is what drives our fear. But freedom from fear means we don't allow our minds to create scenarios that are never meant to happen. That we have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. The opposite of fear or the key to boldness include power, love and self control. Part of self control is not just saying no to chocolate, but of refusing to let our emotions take us places we don't belong and not letting our minds contrive lies instead of focusing on God's truth. The sword of the Spirit is God's word (Eph 6:17). Our weapon against lies, those from without and those within, come in the truth of God's word.

My dad used to say to me almost every day before we went to school or at the end of an email "be strong and courageous". The passage in Joshua is such a beautiful declaration of God's faithfulness, but I rarely live in light of that promise or the charge God gives. God doesn't say "be strong and courageous and earn my love and acceptance." Joshua 1:9 reads : "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

A life without fear is not one I am supposed to drum up within myself on my own. It is what I should experience by living in the Spirit. I can't do it on my own. The steps I list above are not a new to-do list to worry about failing. It's not a new measure which I feel inadequate next to. It's not a new comparison for me to evaluate myself against. The steps above are simply tangible ways to be more dependent on the Spirit's leading and less influenced by my mind and my emotions. To measure more of my life against the truth of God's word than the inputs of this world. 

The world gives us an overload of examples of what we should look like, what our marriages should be like, what we should own, how much money we should make and what our goals should be. The american christian establishment has it's own standards for looking good enough and christian enough and how to be the best friend or what your free time should be spent on. These feed the fear. These feed the lies. These make us restless. Tired. Discouraged. 

As I search for rest and peace, my first steps are measuring everything I do against the simple question - is God calling me to this now? If not, I need to pray for the mental and emotional freedom to let it go. Relentless committed to the good God has for me should be the most peaceful, Spirit-filled, satisfying, joyful life imaginable. And that's a measure worth pursuing.

Afraid of greatness, so I'll try to be good.

I wanted the last post to stand alone, so this post is really the heart of the previous poetry. This challenge has taught me a lot about discipline and self control. But I've learned something else that I didn't expect. I learned that our sense of equilibrium and being on autopilot is a hugely tempting issue that will recur again and again, no matter how much we improve.

In the course of the first six weeks, I've created a new routine and established new ruts and new walls to keep me safe from the world of the uncommon and the unknown. The "unknown and unknowable" is something CrossFit embraces and embodies so beautifully that it scares most people away. The unknown and unknowable sound scary and uncomfortable. And it is...

I started this journey looking at the process of becoming more disciplined and make better choices for myself. I have done that. But to call that success would lead to a new plateau of mediocrity. It's just a slightly higher level of mediocre than I was idling at before I began.

The true breakthrough, that abandons all fear and embraces the possible, holds a lot more risk than an 8 week improvement program. This fearlessness rubs against my mind in so many ways.When David and I plan our future hiking trips, I fight a dual nature inside of me. Part of me is looking for the known, because its safe and I know I can do it. I can almost guarantee success. And it will be good.

But then there is the other side. There is the unknown - what beauty haven't I experienced yet? What summit have I not climbed? What barrier have I not broken through? And if I were guaranteed success, would I be willing to go?

Truth hurts - because honestly right now, I can say that I probably wouldn't. Even if I could guarantee success, the idea of it being really really hard and pushing me beyond my limits holds me back. Risk means there is a chance of failure. Risk means it could be bad.

Or it could be great.

This is a foundational thought approaching CrossFit but it aligns with all of life so easily.

What if I truly loved unconditionally? The risk is that I won't be loved back. I'll face rejection. I'll be hurt. My love won't be enough to carry both sides of the relationship. So, lets play it safe, hold ourselves back, stay predictable and live in the ruts time and experience have established. Is it great? Not always, but it is pretty regularly good.

What if I poured the very best of me into something? The risk is that I won't be enough - that I still won't succeed. As long as I hold back, every failure has an automatic out in my mind. "Well, you may have failed, but you really didn't have enough time to do this to your full ability. There were too many other things on your plate to really do this well. You could have succeeded if ____________ had been different." But if you give 100% and fail - it's all at your feet.

Six weeks have pushed through some limits and settled into others. The question that remains isn't about the challenge. I can stay in this plateau for another 2 weeks - 2 months - 2 years. But do I want to?

Or do I want to know what is possible?

Afraid

Afraid I'll be tired
So I just stay in bed
Afraid I'll sound silly
So I hang my head
Afraid it will hurt
And I don't want to cry
Afraid I'll fail
So I don't even try
Afraid of pain
So I play it safe
Afraid of change
So I just stay in place
Afraid of my past
So I try to hide
Afraid they'll know
So instead I lie
Keep it superficial
In case I don't belong
Afraid they'll notice
When I'm not feeling strong
A life of fear
Is trapped inside my head
So instead of living
I'm living like I'm dead

If nothing changes....

I have to be honest here - this blog is not going to be pretty. But I am in need of some serious mental processing and this is my forum to do so.

I weighed myself because it's Tuesday and 18 days into the challenge I've lost 3 pounds total. No change since last week.

Actually, there are a lot of changes. I'm exercising every day. I'm only eating veggies and meat. I cut my coffee intake from half a pot to 2 cups. I have only had two glasses of wine in those 18 days. I deny myself every single piece of chocolate, fun lunch date food, small treat-um and other yummy indulgence I desire. I have not allowed myself a single morsel, not even eating the lone Kix piece of cereal sitting on the counter when I'm cleaning up breakfast (and YES, that has been a daily temptation).

So here is the honesty - is it worth it? Living with sore muscles and a tired body and a stomach that has to settle for carrot sticks rather than nachos and beer - is it worth it?

While the challenge is about healthy living and not necessarily weight loss, frankly I weigh too much to do the type of exercise I am doing. I can't do a push-up or pull-up without modification because my muscles aren't strong enough to move this much weight around. With each step I jog, all the weight of my body crashes down on my joints. Gravity is pushing me down towards the earth with every step I try to hike up a mountain (with an extra 30 pounds on my back).

The problem with trying is the danger of failing. If I do everything right and my body refuses to release any weight, why not live my days curled up on the sofa reading a book and munching on a snack. It seems like that is what I was made to do....

So now I ask - what would God have me do? Does He care about my weight? If my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, then how am I supposed to treat it?

I've written before that the challenge is good in training in discipline, for discipline's sake, even if nothing else changes. And I believe that to be true. But marrying into a skinny family, with a lithe husband and birthing children that could pose in a "Feed the Starving Children" ad, I feel so out of place. I feel like if I only did more, ate less, exercised harder - then I could fit in too. The I wouldn't be the lone fat person in the Christmas picture of a skinny family.

Will 8 weeks of discipline bring the peaceful fruit of righteousness or will I just find a new depth of discouragement? Can I claim victory in mastering my will and be satisfied, even if nothing else changes?

Here's the deeper question - if God is my everything, does my weight even matter? If God is my satisfaction, then what is answering the call to obedience to Him look like in each day? I can intellectually assert that Jesus + nothing = Everything, but how does that relate to my modified push-up?

To be honest, I don't want to be loved and accepted just as I am - I want to change. Jesus told the prostitute "go and sin no more", not "good luck finding your next client". He told the rich young ruler to give away all he had and follow Him - the ruler was sad because he didn't want that type of change. The rich man wanted a type of obedience that fit his model of living. I'm willing to abandon my model of living, but I'd like to see a change from it too. Is that asking for a reward? Am I unwilling to let go of my version of what I think God's plan should include?

So here's the plea of a broken heart - Lord, don't let me remain unchanged. It may not be my weight than concerns You. It may be my very soul instead. Just don't leave me here questioning - give me Your vision instead.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Uncommon Goals

Imagine 10 years from now...our kids are all in college or already graduated. David and I have sold the house, quit our normal jobs and moved to a cabin in the back woods near the Smokies where I am able to work as an author/grant consultant doing the majority of my work from home and he is able to work as a part time nurse practitioner on a flexible schedule at the local ER or medical center. We work to save for our next big trek through the Appalachian Trail, Pacific Crest trail or trip to Everest Base Camp. Our packs are covered with patches of trails we've hiked and our walls are covered with photos of mountain top vistas, amber waves of grain and costal horizons that seem to go to infinity. Sometimes we hike alone and sometimes with friends or family or our kids. We work hard when we work, we play hard when we play, and we enjoy the seclusion of our cabin when we rest. Breathe in - breathe out - feel that sense of peace and calm....so do I. And I love that image.

It sounds crazy. And maybe it is, a little. But more than that, it's uncommon. It's a life people dream about but never find a way to execute. It all sounds fun, but in the daily grind of normal living, the days start blending together and another decade passes and you are no closer to your dream than you were 10 years ago. Most people chalk up their dreams as unrealistic because it doesn't fit into the normal framework. Life is good - give up on it being great.

I don't believe it has to be this way. I believe the dream is achievable, but only when the goal is greater than the ordinary good. Like every other area of discipline, how we spend our time, our money, the career steps we take along the way, all blend together to paint the picture not only of our present but also form our future. We cannot wake up one day and live a reality so radically different from our yesterday. But if each step we are taking slowly moves us closer to our goal, the radical sounding future slowly becomes the next logical step.

This goal will take specific steps in education and career direction. It will take extraordinary discipline in financial matters. It will take choosing to say no to the ordinary good in front of us again and again, with our thoughts towards the future instead. But if the goal is for great, than good may not be enough. Good looks a lot less appealing than great.

When the Israelites were first traveling from Egypt, they had a destination. Oppression and slavery were behind them and the Promise Land was before them. They had seen God's mighty hand against the Egyptians and their feet had walked on the river bed that God Himself had parted for their miraculous escape. Great was before them. As they kept walking God provided all their needs. He had something great for them - a promise of a land of their own that was more than they could ask or imagine. Greatness was just a hike away.

As their feet kept moving, the slavery seemed less awful to the certainty they had experience in the day to day ordinary. The promised great started to fade and their motivation wained. God was no less faithful, but their patience with Him was wearing thin. And they began to rebel. They complain. They hardened their hearts. They made idols. They doubted the promise. Their memories betrayed them and they began to think of their life in Egypt as good. They couldn't picture the great anymore. Eventually, they all died in the wilderness, wandering day by day, never getting to receive the promise except for the two who had believed in God's great plan above the ordinariness everyone else began to long for. Great is hard - and most people will sacrifice great for the good or even the "just ok".

Now I don't know if God is calling us to this life. David and I have talked about it for so long, I can no longer pinpoint when the dream began. And yet, the steps we need to take for this dream might be His preparation to send us to the mission field overseas, or move us into ministry somewhere we haven't even imagined yet. I believe that if God calls us on a path, then He is preparing us for something great, even if we don't really understand the destination He has in mind.

But I believe in a great God who does great things - good just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.

More on discipline

Yesterday I began the Whole Life Challenge, using my daily food plan, reflection time, mobility training, journaling, water intake, and other recorded standards. I had a plan and I worked my plan. This sort of rigidity does not come naturally to me, but I have great examples in my life of people who can simply flip a switch and follow a set course of action.

Emulating what I have seen in them, I felt....powerful....

It was amazing to not care about how I felt or my personal preferences. I quickly learned that during this challenge, I was going to feel a lot of different things but that didn't change my plan. Again, this is new. Normally I am pretty directly influenced by my feelings and urges. They help me to be fun and spontaneous. I add flavor to other people's lives by having ideas of what could be fun or exciting in the moment. People who have eaten out with me often wait until the very moment we are leaving for a restaurant to decide what we are eating, knowing that I probably have some impulse that I will not be swayed from. (I have very gracious friends...)

Last time I spoke of discipline as something we should pursue meaningfully and purposefully combat the image in our heads that discipline is bad or wrong or representative of punishment. This time I want to go one step further. I propose that discipline be pursued for discipline's sake. It is not a matter of losing weight or beginning a habit. Discipline is self training that puts us in charge of our emotions and keeps us from being swayed by the half-truths of our lives and our surroundings.

Yesterday, I felt hungry. I wasn't getting to eat anything I really "felt" like eating, but instead ate each thing I was supposed to eat according to my plan, at the appropriate time and in the specific quantities. I wasn't satisfied with it. I wanted nachos. And beer. And brownies. My calculations of my Basal Metabolic Rate and estimated exertion gave me the correct number of calories and my protein rich diet specified how many calories come from the macronutrient categories of carbs, protein and fat. I knew I had eaten everything I needed to eat but emotionally I wasn't satisfied. Without such a structured plan, my emotion could have tricked me into thinking that I was physically hungry, rather than emotionally disappointed with lack of chocolate. I also didn't feel like exercising. I knew I needed to, but without a check box, I would have allowed myself to sit on the couch and read, rather than force myself to do the very exercise that I had allowed for in my plan. 

If you don't know me - you can't begin to imagine how foreign this lifestyle is for me. It's like I woke up in opposite universe instead of my normal life. But at the end of the day, I felt powerful.

2 Tim 1:7 says that the Lord has given us a spirit of power, love and self-control. This idea of Spirit given self-control kept me going all day yesterday, but the implications of this are HUGE.

I can accomplish anything I set out to do. Period.

So what do I really want to do?

Fitness and diet are only one facet of me and certainly not the most important area for my immortal soul. Am I using this spiritual gifting to draw my closer to the Lord. Am I using this discipline to dive into the Word? Am I using this power to cast out fear and boldly follow wherever God leads?

We don't pursue discipline for a goal of our own making, but rather to live a life of obedience, whatever that call may be. Personally, I do feel God is calling me to address my health and fitness in this time. But it isn't the only call on my life. To shy away from His call into His service rejects the very gift He has given me to improve my health and well-being. That is why the verse begins with "For God has not given us a spirit of fear or timidity....."

He does not want us living timid lives, fearful of the path He may call us to. We might live a life similar to that of Paul. Or maybe of Job. Whatever the case may be, it will be for His glory and for our best. He will work His will through our lives into a vision of glory. But we must be disciplined to obey His call, whatever the case may be. We must be disciplined with the truth to know that He will provide the power to move the mountain before us. 

1 Peter 1:5-8 says "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Wedged between faith and love is a list of qualities that are ours and are increasing by the Spirit, for the purpose of being useful and fruitful. Self control comes from knowledge of what is true and leads to perseverance. Because I know the truth, I can combat my emotional response to the situation and persevere in the correct path. This is the power of the Holy Spirit alive in me and anyone who calls on Him. 

Hallelujah and amen.

Uncommon Discipline

Several times a year, at Crossfit Uncommon, the owners have members voluntarily join a challenge, designed to help us refocus and add motivation to our progress in exercise and nutrition. Lately, they have been following an 8 week challenge called the Whole Life Challenge, which equips people in eating, exercise, stretching, water intake, sleep and other positive health items. It's difficult to maintain discipline for 8 weeks with such high restrictions from normal day-to-day life. I'll be honest and admit that I have yet to successfully complete a challenge. There is always a point where I just get tired of it and give up.

This frustration with discipline is something that has been nagging me for over a year and I have yet to identify the root of the problem, except to say I am a sinful, fallen being. Discipline is something that our society views as difficult, bad or even limiting. Discipline keeps us from fulfilling our momentary desires and instead calls us to a path of restrictions and limitations. It is the antithesis of western ideals. 

My other problem with discipline is that I am a parent of middle school children, who have long since moved on from sins of "don't touch that" and are showing behaviors that manifest character traits. There is no easy answer for the son who is just being sullen and rude and mean. There is no easy answer for the daughter who is extraordinarily self-absorbed. Call me if you know what to do with the bright child who refuses to do homework and turn it in on time! These aren't single occurrence issues and rarely are the offenses earth shattering. They are small comments, slights, and acts of defiance. Some of this is simply the natural process of growing up and testing new boundaries of independence. And some of it requires parental input and consequences. Like me, my children view discipline as a negative, a restriction (like of TV or video games or hanging out with friends).

But this is not the view of discipline of elite athletes, of philosophers or of scripture. In arenas where excellence is expected and pursued, discipline is seen as one of the single most impactful equipping characteristics of an individual.

David Brooks writes in "The Road to Character", "You have to surrender to something outside of yourself to gain strength within yourself. You have to conquer your desire to get what you crave." Later he continues, "The essential drama of life is the drama to construct character, which is an engraved set of disciplined habits, a settles disposition to do good." 

The author of Hebrews writes "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." (Heb 12:11) and in Proverbs 3:12, Hebrews 12:6 and Revelation 3:19, it says that the Father disciplines whom He loves. The idea here is that discipline is in itself a good thing, bringing about peaceful fruit and this desirable result is for those whom God loves. But most of the time we view discipline as hard and bad - not peaceful. 

In Galatians 5:1, Paul writes "It is for freedom Christ set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery." Here we clearly see the biblical perspective (which is not surprisingly the opposite of the world) where sin is slavery. Abandonment to our urges and desires, doing whatever we want to do is actually a form of slavery - a yoke - something that has us bound and unable to make the adjustments we want to make. Freedom, is living under God's order for our lives.; submitting ourselves to His discipline and His standards and His will. Tim Keller gives the image of a fish - a fish freed from water is not free, he is dead. True freedom is to live as we were made to live, embracing the natural order established for. Discipline, is submitting ourselves to the better order for our lives. Restricting those things that lead to our ill and pursuing those things that lead to our benefit. 

This may not sound that earth shattering to you, but the implications in day to day life are actually pretty uncommon. What if I pursued the carrot instead of the cheeseburger? What if I viewed the carrot as a reward, a blessing, the peaceful fruit (or vegetable) of a life well lived? What if I was excited each morning I woke up as another day to exercise? What if I saw joy in my training, because the training was making me more of who I was meant to be, rather than the potato shaped lump under a blanket on the couch reading a book?

What if I chased after God's word and opened it with the same frequency I opened Facebook or read the news on my phone? What if I spent as much time memorizing scripture as I did watching Netflix? 

Peter Deiwert, writes on the back of the Crossfit workout journal, "Common is expecting things to be given to you rather than embracing the joy of hard work." In his latest blog about succeed in the Whole Life Challenge, he writes, "Mental toughness is the discipline to take small steps consistently, towards a larger goal." We are to embrace the hard work with joy, moving consistently towards the bigger goal. In this there is fruit we can see and experience and enjoy.

Discipline is the small daily acts that together form a picture of our character - our true self. It is the little lies in our heads that move us further and further from who we were made to be, to the common ground of mediocrity, apathy, and resignation to a lesser life. Lies might include: "That's too hard" or "It's only one piece of chocolate" or "Everyone else...." or "I've been so good today" or "But I deserve this". These lies give us permission to depart from the road we truly want to walk and drift towards the middle ground of nothingness. We become a fish out of water, flopping around on the land, knowing that we aren't where we belong and that we were made for more. We begin to look at all the moments we gave into our desires or moments we gave up trying as failures and regrets. In hindsight, those choices to give into the lesser desire of the moment looks dull and grey, instead of shiny and exciting as it did at the time. 

Discipline is not some grand statement about summiting our personal Everest. It isn't a huge fork in the road or monumental decision. Discipline is exercised in a thousand little decisions every day, pursuing our best (or His best for us) rather than being swayed by our environment, emotions and circumstances. Discipline is a single step. Just one. One step on the narrow path, followed by another, and another, until one day you look and you are standing at the top of your mountain. Discipline has the mental fortitude to engage in this moment as both a singular moment in time and as a part of the grand design of life all at the same time. You can say to yourself, I choose to desire the greater thing in this moment, not because it is what necessarily feels the best or is even what I want, but because the greater thing is worth more than whatever reward, treat, rest, that I am being pulled towards now. 

On March 11th, I give you all permission to ask me how the challenge went. But even more than that, I invite you to ask me how yesterday went - because the challenge is not accomplished in a grand moments, but the 33,868,800 moments along the way. 

Thankfully we are not alone in this. Paul writes to Timothy, "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and self-discipline." (2 Tim 1:7) We were made to live a life of self-discipline. This is God's desire for our best and for His glory. May it be true of me.

Uncommon Radiance

I was meditating in Hebrews this morning and read the familiar phrase from chapter 1 verse 3: "He is the radiance of His glory". Christ, the Son, is the radiance of God the Father's glory and "the exact representation of His nature", now seated at the right hand.

I've pictured this before, but imagine with me for a moment, Christ, the Son, seated on the throne, next to the Father, radiant in white, crowned in majesty, with all off heaven and earth bowed before Him and singing His praise. The angels are saying "Worthy is the Lamb" and heavenly creatures chant "Holy, holy holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come" without ceasing. We've read these pictures of heaven throughout scripture that paint a scene of awe and mystery. John adds in his epistle "We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is." (1 John 3:2)

We will be like Him. Imagine yourself back in that throne room, but look down at yourself. You stand, unable to move in the glory of His presence, clothed in His righteousness, emboldened by His mercy and grace. The sight that no human eyes can see without dying is before you, but you are not as you are now. You are like Him. Radiant. While Christ represents the very nature of God, we represent Christ the Son. We are sons and daughters, heirs to the eternal kingdom and we stand in His presence glorified with the Son. Paul tells us in Romans 8 (29-30) that we are being conformed into the image of His Son - that Son who is the radiance of His glory. Look down and see your radiance! Not the brilliant white robe of His righteousness, but inside your heart and mind. The doubts and fears and anxieties are finally gone for good. The question of whether or not you are truly accepted, now eternally answered. The perpetual wrestling with sin and our fallen nature has ceased. The darkest sorrows of your heart and the deepest wounds now forever healed. The radiance is not from without, but from within. Holy. Sanctified. Glorified. Radiant.

I've always viewed sanctification as a painful process in which my sins are exposed and my idols are crushed. True, I know this is the necessary discipline of a loving Father bringing me closer and closer to His best for me. And yet - it hurts. Thankfully, we usually only address one area at a time and just as I see one stubborn area of my heart soften, another hardened portion is revealed. And so it goes, on and on, until that throne room. Right? Sort of.

What I have failed to grasp so many times is that God does not leave His work void. The empty places where sin and doubt and fear once reigned are not simply empty. They are filled with His Spirit. That work that Paul tells us will be completed is an ongoing process, but not a simple excavation of our greed and lust and anger. Those areas that once brought pain are being filled to bring peace, and patience and joy and love. That "peaceful fruit of righteousness" is replacing those previous settings of darkness and fear. That means, in a "no longer - but not yet" way, we are being filled with that same radiance. Here. Now.

We can only imagine what it will actually be like to see Him face to face. But we need not imagine what God is doing in us now. If we take a moment and contemplate all He has done in our lives, that radiance will begin to reveal itself. We won't just move from sin to sin, but we will experience that healing work in the here and now.

I always experience a little of the "post-holiday blues" after Christmas is over and the New Year has begun. My jeans are usually a little tighter and I have a hard time knowing what day it is after a week of vacation. The list of reality lays before me and seems longer than I remembered. If I'm honest, I really want to just hibernate the next few months in sweatpants and a couple good books.

But I am not relying on my own strength and I am not just looking at another list of dark places God will need to address in the coming year.

I am radiant. And so are you.

Uncommon Inspiration

It's New Years Day. A fresh start and a blank page. Last year at this time, I was unemployed (intentionally) for about a week before launching into a new journey that has blessed me beyond what I could ever ask or imagine. I had chosen to step off the career ladder to pursue a combination of opportunities that provided me with more free time, more family time, more sanity and more options for my future. It would also mean less income, less prestige, less opportunity for professional accomplishment. I knew the "more" outweighed the "less" and the past year has proven me right. But not everyone has the same experience. There is risk in choosing less and yet I have spent the year watching amazing women around me make intentional choices of less in a world that craves more.

I think of one friend, who took specific steps this year to open up her life even more deeply to a ministry that is using her gifts in new ways and stretching her in very uncomfortable ways as well. This meant less free time of her own. Less disposable income. Less time with friends and family. It meant saying no to other ministries and opportunities she is also well suited for.

I think of another took a leap of faith into less income and less job security and less access to family and friends, because they heard God's call in their lives for a new adventure. It has cost them income, security, comfort, and control. It's cost them in tears and loneliness and uncertainty.

I think of a sweet girl, who has been called into a new adventure in grad school, but very intentionally set limits on her time. In a world of competitive performance and pressure to be what everyone expects you to be, she knew that the Lord was calling her to a different life balance. One that meant she would be saying no to people and activities. No to obsessing over courses and curriculum. No to opportunities that seemed profitable but would stretch her too thin. No to potential income using her gifts in freelance work that was competing for time with everything else in her life.

I think of a dear heart sister, who left a position of respect and prestige and a much higher income, to move to the background and uproot her entire professional trajectory for the sake of better work life balance and more time with her kids. Job opportunity after job opportunity that would mean a better title and more money came her way before she stepped down, and voluntarily took on less, to be there more for her kids and husband.

I think of one of my closest friends who after years of being rooted in a small christian school, where she was also connected to many of her personal friends and family, chose to be less involved and move into a new opportunity to connect with her son's new school. She had to say no to committees and service opportunities and activities that she had said yes to for almost a decade to open the door to the unknown in a huge, impersonal community of strangers.

I think of a truly joy-filled woman who put limits on her work, her hobbies and her time with friends to invest in her marriage and family. While others wanted her to enter into what could have been virtually every weekend filled with fun activities, she chose to do less and limit her schedule to support her husband as he finished grad school.

I think of an amazing woman who spent much of the spring sacrificially serving her mother-in-law who was stricken with cancer. She fully entered into serving one person, stepping away from the multitude of places she had served and connected with in her community. She said no to countless invitations with friends and community events to sit at the bedside of a woman walking through her last days.

Each of these women experienced the cost of less. They disappointed friends. They missed out of fun times. They said no to people they loved and to things they would have loved to do. They limited their earning power and reduced their prestige.

The world tries to sell us on the concept of more. Bigger. Extra. Commercials tell you to buy the luxury "you deserve" and to get more because "you're worth it". Indulgence is elevated as the mark of a truly fulfilled life and the media tries to convince us that we can indeed have it all. But these women intentionally walked against the flow and followed a different calling. These women counted the cost and poured themselves out, instead of looking to receive. These women limited their own happiness and opportunities out of love for others and in obedience to their Lord. They chose less.

Today, as I evaluate the past year and wonder about the year to come, I count myself exceedingly blessed to have the example of these amazing women in my life. I am inspired by their courage to follow their path, so narrowly drawn out before them, often clouded with fog and contoured with windy bends that keep them from seeing where it will lead. They boldly chose to enter into the mystery of being blessed with less. May we all show such strength in the New Year.