Afraid of greatness, so I'll try to be good.

I wanted the last post to stand alone, so this post is really the heart of the previous poetry. This challenge has taught me a lot about discipline and self control. But I've learned something else that I didn't expect. I learned that our sense of equilibrium and being on autopilot is a hugely tempting issue that will recur again and again, no matter how much we improve.

In the course of the first six weeks, I've created a new routine and established new ruts and new walls to keep me safe from the world of the uncommon and the unknown. The "unknown and unknowable" is something CrossFit embraces and embodies so beautifully that it scares most people away. The unknown and unknowable sound scary and uncomfortable. And it is...

I started this journey looking at the process of becoming more disciplined and make better choices for myself. I have done that. But to call that success would lead to a new plateau of mediocrity. It's just a slightly higher level of mediocre than I was idling at before I began.

The true breakthrough, that abandons all fear and embraces the possible, holds a lot more risk than an 8 week improvement program. This fearlessness rubs against my mind in so many ways.When David and I plan our future hiking trips, I fight a dual nature inside of me. Part of me is looking for the known, because its safe and I know I can do it. I can almost guarantee success. And it will be good.

But then there is the other side. There is the unknown - what beauty haven't I experienced yet? What summit have I not climbed? What barrier have I not broken through? And if I were guaranteed success, would I be willing to go?

Truth hurts - because honestly right now, I can say that I probably wouldn't. Even if I could guarantee success, the idea of it being really really hard and pushing me beyond my limits holds me back. Risk means there is a chance of failure. Risk means it could be bad.

Or it could be great.

This is a foundational thought approaching CrossFit but it aligns with all of life so easily.

What if I truly loved unconditionally? The risk is that I won't be loved back. I'll face rejection. I'll be hurt. My love won't be enough to carry both sides of the relationship. So, lets play it safe, hold ourselves back, stay predictable and live in the ruts time and experience have established. Is it great? Not always, but it is pretty regularly good.

What if I poured the very best of me into something? The risk is that I won't be enough - that I still won't succeed. As long as I hold back, every failure has an automatic out in my mind. "Well, you may have failed, but you really didn't have enough time to do this to your full ability. There were too many other things on your plate to really do this well. You could have succeeded if ____________ had been different." But if you give 100% and fail - it's all at your feet.

Six weeks have pushed through some limits and settled into others. The question that remains isn't about the challenge. I can stay in this plateau for another 2 weeks - 2 months - 2 years. But do I want to?

Or do I want to know what is possible?