If nothing changes....

I have to be honest here - this blog is not going to be pretty. But I am in need of some serious mental processing and this is my forum to do so.

I weighed myself because it's Tuesday and 18 days into the challenge I've lost 3 pounds total. No change since last week.

Actually, there are a lot of changes. I'm exercising every day. I'm only eating veggies and meat. I cut my coffee intake from half a pot to 2 cups. I have only had two glasses of wine in those 18 days. I deny myself every single piece of chocolate, fun lunch date food, small treat-um and other yummy indulgence I desire. I have not allowed myself a single morsel, not even eating the lone Kix piece of cereal sitting on the counter when I'm cleaning up breakfast (and YES, that has been a daily temptation).

So here is the honesty - is it worth it? Living with sore muscles and a tired body and a stomach that has to settle for carrot sticks rather than nachos and beer - is it worth it?

While the challenge is about healthy living and not necessarily weight loss, frankly I weigh too much to do the type of exercise I am doing. I can't do a push-up or pull-up without modification because my muscles aren't strong enough to move this much weight around. With each step I jog, all the weight of my body crashes down on my joints. Gravity is pushing me down towards the earth with every step I try to hike up a mountain (with an extra 30 pounds on my back).

The problem with trying is the danger of failing. If I do everything right and my body refuses to release any weight, why not live my days curled up on the sofa reading a book and munching on a snack. It seems like that is what I was made to do....

So now I ask - what would God have me do? Does He care about my weight? If my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, then how am I supposed to treat it?

I've written before that the challenge is good in training in discipline, for discipline's sake, even if nothing else changes. And I believe that to be true. But marrying into a skinny family, with a lithe husband and birthing children that could pose in a "Feed the Starving Children" ad, I feel so out of place. I feel like if I only did more, ate less, exercised harder - then I could fit in too. The I wouldn't be the lone fat person in the Christmas picture of a skinny family.

Will 8 weeks of discipline bring the peaceful fruit of righteousness or will I just find a new depth of discouragement? Can I claim victory in mastering my will and be satisfied, even if nothing else changes?

Here's the deeper question - if God is my everything, does my weight even matter? If God is my satisfaction, then what is answering the call to obedience to Him look like in each day? I can intellectually assert that Jesus + nothing = Everything, but how does that relate to my modified push-up?

To be honest, I don't want to be loved and accepted just as I am - I want to change. Jesus told the prostitute "go and sin no more", not "good luck finding your next client". He told the rich young ruler to give away all he had and follow Him - the ruler was sad because he didn't want that type of change. The rich man wanted a type of obedience that fit his model of living. I'm willing to abandon my model of living, but I'd like to see a change from it too. Is that asking for a reward? Am I unwilling to let go of my version of what I think God's plan should include?

So here's the plea of a broken heart - Lord, don't let me remain unchanged. It may not be my weight than concerns You. It may be my very soul instead. Just don't leave me here questioning - give me Your vision instead.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light