Uncommonly Silent Night

"Then when Herod saw that he had been tricked by the magi, he became very enraged, and sent and slew all the male children who were in Bethlehem and all its vicinity, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had determined from the magi. Then what had been spoken through Jeremiah the prophet was fulfilled: 'A voice was heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning. Rachel weeping for her children; and she refused to be comforted, because they were no more'."
(Matthew 2:16-18)

Jesus enters the world in this little town of Bethlehem, born in a stable, the ultimate humble and lowly station for the Lord Incarnate. Angels herald his birth and shepherds leave their fields to come see what the angels have spoke of - this peace on earth and goodwill for men. Mary, surrounded by gold and frankincense and myrrh has treasured in her heart the voice of the angel and the gifts of the magi and the worship of those brought into the celebration of his birth. Mary saw the reaction of those in the temple at his circumcision who rejoiced knowing the promised Savior had come.

And then it all changes.

Joseph is warned to go to Egypt with his family to save Jesus from Herod's wrath. There is no time to enjoy this bundle of joy as a new family. They are on the run and live in exile in the earliest years of Jesus' life.  In the midst of the joy and celebration of his birth, the very real danger of his life has immediately begun. Jesus, who will be hung on a cross like a common criminal, not only enters the world as a helpless baby, but as one who is immediately in mortal danger. Not only was he born in a stable, he couldn't grow up at his hometown for fear of his life.

I've often wondered what it was like to be Mary. I imagine a woman with great loneliness in her life. The whispers as the child grows within her, even though she has no husband. The glances when they return from Egypt, knowing that all the families in the area of Bethlehem have no sons to grow in wisdom and stature. The conversations in the caravan of people having heard that young Jesus was staying in "His father's house" (the temple) after the Passover feast instead of coming home with his parents. And then later, a young widow, watching her son leave his home and roam the countryside preaching and teaching and healing, ridiculed by his own town while the Pharisees plot his death.

How many silent nights did Mary lay awake praying for peace and strength to raise this son God had given her?

While we normally focus on the angels and presents, joining the joy and merriment, Jesus was born into a broken world, into controversy and danger, into poverty and homelessness. The King of kings and Lord of lords has no throne, no kingdom, no palace, no people, no guards to protect him, no land to call his own.

When God says, "Immanuel" - "I am with you" - He is saying: I am with you when you can't sleep because the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I am with you when the enemy is closing in. I am with you when you have no home, no stability, no peace. I am with you in your silent nights and I am with you in your loneliness. I left the glory of heaven and entered into the struggle and pain to be with you here and now.

It's not always easy to experience the joy of Christmas. Life sometimes gets in the way. But the angels didn't bring tidings of comfort and joy to a people already basking in glory. They brought tidings of comfort and joy to the lost and the broken; to the poor, nomadic shepherds who were also going to sleep with the animals that night. We don't put on a fake smile and call it joy because it's that season. We come weary, broken, lonely, poor and needy. There is nothing more real on Christmas than the pain of the world. It is this pain that Christ came to heal.

The prophet Jeremiah, immediately after the verses quoted by Matthew above, gives more than just a picture of pain and sorrow. Jeremiah writes:
"Thus says the Lord, 'Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded, and they will return from the land of the enemy. There is hope for your future and your children will return to their own territory." (Jer 31:16-17)

When Jesus states "I did not come to call the righteous, but the sinners" (Matt 9:13b) it makes me think that Christmas isn't really for the joyful. Christmas is for the restless. For the doubting. For the troubled. Christmas is to see with fresh eyes our neediness and find all the joy and hope and peace right there in the midst of the toil and hurt. Christmas says that God is with us in the here and now, just as we are.

This is truly good news - and makes the darkest night seem merry and bright.

Uncommon Brokeness

My worst nightmare came true today.

After being gone from Crossfit Uncommon for 6 weeks straight, I felt I had conquered my fear when I returned on Tuesday. It was a great workout, the people were amazing and I left with an endorphin rush unparalleled to anything I had experienced lately. I felt confident and the great type of soreness when I walked up and down stairs. I earned this ache! I was excited to go back this morning and thought "Yes, the fear is gone and I can focus on making progress again."

This morning, while we drove across town,  I mentally noted the lack of butterflies in my stomach and thought I was really making progress mentally and emotionally - not just rebuilding strength physically. I hopped on a rower and felt strong with each pull. It was everything I wanted Crossfit to be. Even the group warm-up had me in a good mood because my aches from Tuesday slowly melted as my muscles were stretched and warm.

The first part of the workout was challenging. Lunges are hard and sometimes cause some aches in my knees, but I concentrated on each movement, really trying to set aside my preconceived notions of what was "hard" or "uncomfortable". There were only a few other people there and I had plenty of space to mentally zero in on what I needed to do. I felt good.

And then came the second part of the workout...

Partnered with my husband, we were alternating rounds of kettlebell swings and wallballs for 5 rounds each. It didn't sound that bad. I already felt tired, but I knew I had just five rounds of activity before I could put my time on the board and record today's workout as another small victory in my journey towards a better version of myself. Round 1 - the tiredness is catching up with me and I'm feeling tired. Round 2 - each movement is hard and I'm counting down reps in my head, silently urging myself to keep going a little longer.

Round 3 - I break.

All I needed was 15 wallballs, but by the 6th or 7th there are tears streaming down my face. I keep throwing the ball in the air, crying harder and harder until eventually I sit down sobbing. My body doesn't want to move, but it really wasn't a physical problem. The tiredness of my body revealed the true fear of my mind - that I can't cut it. That I'm not uncommon after all. That everyone is going to see the phony I am know that I simply don't have the strength to keep up with these titans surrounding me.

I collapse in tears and the nightmare is true - I've broken, surrounded by the people I respect most. I'm laid bare before the people I want to impress. I might as well be naked. Actually, I might have preferred being physically naked to being so emotionally exposed.

While my life is diverse and there are many things that shape me, I write about my cross fit experience because the whole re-evaluation of my life is based on the simple question - what does it mean to be uncommon? It isn't about physical fitness or Olympic weightlifting or being extreme for the sake of being extreme. Greg Glassman once described the cross fit athlete as a "better beautiful". Being the best version of yourself that you can be. It's a different way of thinking. A different approach to life. Pretty much any area in life can be examined by asking how you can optimize each area to be the ultimate version of yourself - without comparison to anyone else. Our pop culture provides measuring sticks for success, popularity, appearance, family/life balance, monetary gain and every other area of life. Want to feel unfulfilled and under-accomplished? Hop on Facebook and compare yourself to the air-brushed lives of your friends and acquaintances.

Social media is all about controlling the version other people see of you through pictures of happy kids, "pinning" fun crafts, posting funny cartoons and "liking" other people's success. We build cyberwalls of perfected images that meet what society has deemed acceptable. Brokenness is the enemy of image building and our society has a cornucopia of applications to build the best image of ourselves.

Being uncommon is different. Being uncommon says "forget image, actually become the best version of yourself." To do this, you have to be willing to break. Only once you have the honesty of reaching your limits can you truly extend beyond them.

Richard Rohr writes "self made people will try to manufacture an even stronger self by willpower and determination to put them back in charge and seeming control.....Eventually this game is unstable." Uncommon brokenness is being exposed in a community that accepts your brokenness as a current state without any bearing on your character or your future. You don't manufacturer a stronger self by individual willpower. To truly become the best version of yourself, you must be in community. A community of people willing to enter into your brokenness and encourage you into a place beyond the limits you have previously known. On our own, we hit our limit and stop. That's why we call them limits. We can use goal theory to push ourselves towards higher levels of achievement but we all have the place where we will just sit down and cry. Metaphorically or (even worse) physically.

It's only when someone is willing to walk up to you and tell you to keep going that you can truly go beyond what you thought was possible. Today, that some one was Crystal. And Tim. And Paul. And Jeremiah. And David. Those who cheered me on through the last rounds of wallballs even when the tears were still streaming down my cheeks.

Today was a PR for me. Not in any one activity - but in finding a place within myself that can keep going when I never would on my own. And I'm not afraid to be broken anymore.

What makes us Uncommon?

Date	Weight	Fat %	BMI
11/10/15	200.2 lbs	35.30%	30.6
11/17/15	201.6 lbs	33.30%	30.9
11/25/15	199.8 lbs	32.70%	30.5
12/1/15	202.4 lbs	33.30%	31.0

What makes something uncommon?

I went back to the box after being gone for 6 weeks. Six weeks of busy days, exhausting schedules, sinus infections, traveling and holidays. Six weeks of excuses. Six weeks to have my mind twist lies about my life which led me to a path of nearly paralyzing fear. Despite all that I had proclaimed about my love of crossfit and my goals for the future, the fear had me tangled up inside to the point that I truly though I was going to vomit on the drive across town. 

But I am not alone in this struggle against the inner voices and anxious thoughts.

It was fear that made Adam and Eve hide in the garden, voluntarily separating themselves from God.

It was fear that caused Abraham to take Haggar and refuse to wait on God's timing for the promised heir.

It was fear that caused the Israelites to walk around in the desert instead of entering the promise land that God had given them.

It was fear that made Saul sacrifice on his own instead of obeying Samuel's instructions. 

Fear drove Jonah into the belly of a great fish and fear led Peter to deny Jesus 3 times on the night of His arrest.

Fear tells us lies, amplifies our emotions and leads us away from what we know to be true. 

Our very nature seems to embrace fear as if it were our friend - good ol' fear will keep us safe. Fear will keep us venturing too far out into the unknown. Fear will keep us from being honest with ourselves and with others and can keep us from getting hurt. Fear will reassure us that we can't win, shouldn't try and never will succeed. Fear keeps our world small and makes it smaller with each passing day, as we learn new things to avoid, people to never trust again, cataloguing hurts and slights along the way. Fear will always keep us company. And we will eventually be alone.

But God tells us again and again not to be afraid, as He compassionately acknowledges our fragile emotional state and tries to remind us of the truth. God calls us out in faith, calls us into community, tells us to rely on His strength and desires to supply us with His grace. 

Crossfit Uncommon is uncommon because it is a group of people together facing their fears and pushing past them. It is a community that looks to build one another up and cheer each other on - celebrating every small victory over fear. It is a place where fear is acknowledged but holds no power over what we will do - what we will try - where we will go - what we can accomplish. 

Fear has no power in an Uncommon Nation.

Those numbers at the top scare me....until I notice one thing true. Those dates are all in the past. Those numbers are what were. Those figures are true about what was but have no bearing on what will be. And there is no reason to fear what the future will hold....