The Ongoing Challenge

I've started up on the Whole Life Challenge again. This was the breakthrough event of earlier this year that led to me seeing new levels of discipline, self-control and huge gains in life. I loved the challenge and I won for our Crossfit Box. I was so excited to get back on the challenge in May that I immediately began recruiting people to join me.

So we are now a few weeks into the challenge and I am doing horribly. In fact, I think I am doing worse now than when I was in between challenges. It's really started to make me mad and so I have had to reflect on why this is happening. The answer, as plain as day, is also the ugly truth.

I haven't engaged any mental or spiritual components to the challenge yet.

Going into January's challenge, I would pray about it. I would think about it. I would journal about it. Every morning I had a challenge reflection journal (not the required reflection post, but my own personal journal) where I mentally prepared to face the day. I wanted to win the challenge and I was making the effort (spiritual, metal and physical) to bring about that reality.

We have all grown up in a world, much like Ancient Rome, where the present is elevated and life is about feeling happy in the moment. The concept of an orgy was not just sexual to the Romans. They would have feasting parties where the goal was to eat everything they could until the vomited and then eat some more. They would drink to excess using the same process. To win over the masses (who were impoverished and dying of disease and hunger) they would hold games in the colosseum and feed everyone who attended for free. They distributed bread and held massive parties open to the public during the Triumphs of Julius Caesar. Food was not food - food was a celebration. Food was medicine. Food was comfort. And we live in a culture that is a stone's throw away from this same perspective. All commercials tell you to indulge in what's bad for you, because you deserve it. There is no more concept of self-control as a virtue - the virtue celebrated in our culture is instant gratification. So we American's as a culture throw away 40% of our food (just think of any restaurant if you think this number seems to high) and we eat whatever we feel like at the time.

The challenge goes toe to toe with this idea and says, eat what will actually make your body work well and feel good over the long haul. The challenge gives indulgence points to make room for those times that there are special things to celebrate (birthdays and weddings and the occasional date night) but holds us accountable to doing what is right instead of what feels right, right now. You don't have to read very many writings of Paul to see him address these same issues in scripture. Self-control is often found in lists describing what a Spirit led life looks like. Paul grew up in those times of Roman excess - he saw the culture around him and knew that it was hard to resist. He knew that the human interaction with food, in that type of culture - our type of culture, is a spiritual battle, not a battle of the flesh.

The owner of Crossfit Uncommon, Pete, really started to get frustrated as the challenge went on, reading posts of people talking about indulging in some forbidden food and then paying the price the next day in their workout or by how they felt. He wrote that knowledge was the key to help yourself make better choices - knowing what the food does to your body will keep you from eating it.

I think of Josh or Bunny or any of the other people we know with allergies and we would never give them food that makes them sick. Yet I willing eat yummy food that I know will make my stomach hurt later all the time. I've struggled with my weight, with arthritic inflammation, headaches and depression. Food directly impacts all of these. A clean diet (and Paleo diet in my case) dramatically helps each of these issues. And yet I give into my cravings for Chumleys, for Poblanos, for the extra glass of wine, and so on and so on.

This battle we have is not with food - it is with ourselves and our fallen nature. This culture we live in is nothing new - it just has new ways of promoting itself with the internet and portable electronic devices. The same God Paul relied on through his process of dying to himself to live for Christ is the same God we serve. The same Spirit that gave him strength is indwelling us.

Now, I'm not trying to beat anyone over the head with spiritual guilt. But I am wanting to be very clear with myself - and anyone else who finds this helpful - this challenge or any other challenge in life, is not meant to be faced alone. It is meant to be done through the power of the Holy Spirit in reliance on Him. It is meant to be done in prayer. It is meant to be done in community. I now put this out into the atmosphere - I will have perfect points for the remainder of the challenge. Not because God expects perfection - but because in His strength, it is possible.

Challenge accepted. Again.

A day off..

Today I am taking a day off from life.

I've been trying to come down with some sort of cold, but even though I don't feel measurably worse, I decided to take a day off from life. Because every once in awhile we don't need to be a person.

I've been binge watching "Parenthood" while grading seemingly infinite stacks of papers, just because I can't seem to keep my focus without noise in the background. This show has captivated my attention (admittedly much more than my students papers) because of the simple way of telling the story of people living life.

I watch what my husband has deemed a "happy-go-lucky chick show" and pondered why I care so much about these fictional people. This large family walks through ordinary situations of bullying, marital stress, holidays, rebellious teenagers and other every day things in an awkward, backwards, fumbling and apologetic way. It's life - ordinary, every day life.

And so today, I take a break from my to-do list and goals and schedule and instead revel in finishing my grading and clearing out my email in-box and stay all day in my yoga pants. When my last grades were entered, I pulled out a mostly empty pint of cookies and cream ice cream and dug around with my spoon selecting the largest chunks of cookie that I could find.

And so I sit  - on the couch - having eaten a lot of ice cream (which will probably come back to haunt me later) - watching someone else's story, while I press pause on my story.

This morning as I read in Hebrews 10:23, it says "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." This verse made me think about how the story line of our lives is wrapped up in the identity of who Christ is - not in ourselves. We spend our days walking through our schedules, checking off our lists and trying to make the most of each day. But the truth is that we spend our days trying to do things that are meaningful, but the deepest meaning comes from the fact that God is faithful. I can take a day off and it doesn't make me less of a person - it doesn't make me a failure; because who I am is not the same as what I do.

Parenthood is a great show of a loving family and their ups and downs, but the anxiousness that runs through their lives is because their family is all they have. Their faith is in each other - which means the ups and downs of the relationships completely rocks their lives. And yet for us, we have a hope without wavering - nothing that rocks us. The author of Hebrews also states that this hope is "an anchor for our soul".

I picture a ship out in the ocean - the waves and the storm may rock the ship and cause it to toss and turn in really scary ways. But when your confidence is in an anchor that is sure and unwavering, the storms won't undo you - they may shake you and drench you in cold salt water, but you won't be undone.

I spent a long time living as if my to-do list was all I ever had to offer and the way to justify my time. I could say I mattered, because I could point to all the ways I was indispensable. I desperately wanted to stop, but I was afraid if I stopped I wouldn't be deserving of anyone's love anymore. But since I've discovered what it means to have an anchor for your soul, I can have a day off. I don't have to produce - I don't have anything to prove. Ice cream and strechy pants work just fine for me.

Uncommon Wealth

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. I must admit, it was one of the best birthdays I have ever had in my life. The day started waking up to a beautiful 70 degree morning with a perfectly blue sky and a view of desert blooms and cacti growing over the hills surrounding us. We then discovered an amazing breakfast nook, enjoyed a spring training game of the Cubs and then ate dinner outdoors (again with that perfect 70 degree weather and slight breeze) with the view of the desert during dusk and the "world famous" fountain of fountain hills. Driving through the townships surrounding Phoenix, you can see amazing wealth of palatial homes and poverty of crowded trailer parks with barely the space to breathe between one mobile home to the next. Between the people struggling to find work and those who have retired into a life of luxury, David and I enjoyed a day that is probably one of the most perfect days of my life.

Over the past few months, I have become more and more aware of my incredible wealth in this life. Between studying about deep intimacy with the Holy Spirit and diving ever more deeply into the love of God described in 1 Corinthians 13, I have experienced a type of awakening to the reality of my life. In the normal day to day habits of work and chores and disciplining kids, it can be easy to overlook the blessings that infuse each day. At the beginning of January, I very intentionally pursued seeing God move in the every day of life. I wanted a better understanding of what it meant to experience the "life to the full" that Jesus intends for His people. I knew the indwelling of the Spirit was supposed to be more than the few moments of peace and reflection during my daily quiet time. God promised His continual presence and I wanted to know what that tangibly looked like in an overfilled schedule of modern day America. 

In Ephesians 3, Paul writes : For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. (Eph 3:14-19)

This amazing passage has been described by Tim Keller as a passage to instruct us on how to meditate on the richness of God's love. That we would examine God's love to try to explore its breadth, and length and height and depth. The picture I always imagine comes from sitting on the balcony of a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean, when you can't see any other land. How could one possible measure the depths and breath of such vastness? How could one ever fully comprehend all that it holds and the depths beyond where we can see? Like that ocean, God's love is endless - it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Cor 13:7). 

This uncommon wealth comes from the riches of His glory - an endowment from God Almighty to His beloved children. His desire is to strengthen our inner selves to better be filled with the fullness of His love. We are incapable of experiencing the fullness of His love without first being strengthened in our inner selves. And that is the journey I have enjoyed over the past few months that led me to this moment of extraordinary gratitude and contentment. In pursuing strength and discipline and self control (through the Holy Spirit - certainly not in my own effort) God has prepared in my heart a fertile soil in which He can grow my comprehension of His love. 

This isn't that God loves me any more - for His love is always perfect and boundless. But now, He is preparing in me the ability to better receive His love. He is opening my eyes to see His graciousness in the everyday. He is softening my heart to experience His presence in the ordinary and underwhelming nature of life. He is opening my ears to hear the sweet love song He sings over me, instead of being caught up in the noise of our culture. He is stripping away the walls that have held Him at arms distance, to better experience His embrace.

We must first be strengthened or we would collapse under the substantial weightiness of His perfect love. Like Moses in the cleft of the rock, we must be shielded from the glory of God, until the day comes where we are made like Him and can see Him face to face. This world is filled with things and stuff that distract us, entertain us, please us, fill us, disappoint us, hurt us and always, whether seemingly good or bad, leave us empty and wanting more. But God has a richness that cannot be measured on a balance sheet or bank account. The supernatural glory of His love is beyond what anything made with human hands can contain. Even our own spirits, made in the nature of God Himself, cannot fully experience all He wants to give...yet. But as we more and more open ourselves to Him, we can know His riches, no matter where life has you now.

May you know God's rich love even more deeply today....

Uncommon Losses

The challenge ended last night. For the record:Pre challenge-206.4 lbsBMI 31.6Body fat 34.2Hips 48.125Waist 43.25Workout score - 93
Post challenge-196.2 lbsBMI 30Body fat 31.1Hips 46Waist 41.25Workout score - 127


At this moment, with 26 competitors reporting their scores, I am sitting in first place for this challenge. The initial victory is that I even finished the challenge, because I have never done that before. I've always given up at the point that it felt hopeless. I would give in to momentary desires (more sleep, more TV, more food, more wine) and ignore my long term goals. And so I sat in limbo, knowing that I wanted to change and feeling incapable of doing so. The thing is, everyone who took part in the challenge is better than me in some way. I didn't win by being the best - I won by being my best. 

We ask our kids, who struggle with being motivated for homework, "did you do your best work". We already know the answer and so do they, but saying the question out loud forces them to admit that they could have put in more effort. I too, needed to force myself to say that I wasn't working as hard as I could. Even in this challenge, I had lazy days and ate a few foods that I shouldn't have. It made me feel sick and lethargic. Winning the challenge feels great - but it doesn't feel nearly as great as I have felt doing the challenge. The process is the true victory.


I am so far from where I want to be and I have major goals that are still on my radar (like that sprint triathlon coming up in just a few weeks) but I am actually walking the path that will get me where I want to go. And that is new.


This path requires loss. This path requires humility. This path requires that you step out of the comfortable places that feel so cozy and put yourself in a place to fail. 


My husband is a great example of this. He is currently in the Cross Fit Open, the first part of the competition to find the fittest man and woman on earth. In this international competition, he is going toe to toe with the best of the best. They offer a less difficult workout so that more people can compete, just to be a part of the community of athletes. But if you do the reduced (scaled) version, you can't win. My husband could rock the scaled version of these workouts, but he is choosing to do the very same workout as the best athletes on earth (most of whom are at least 10 years younger than him). It isn't about winning. It's about being willing to put yourself out into a field of competitors that forces you to push beyond what you thought was possible. And I am so proud of his courage and humility - being willing to lose - to gain something greater in himself.


If you want to become more educated in a field, you have to find people smarter than you are and learn from them.


If you want to learn a new skill, you have to find people better than you and let them teach you.


If you want to be stronger than you are now, you have to find people who are stronger than you are and let them coach you.


If you want to be holier than you are now, you need to find spiritual mature believers who can be honest with you and exhort and encourage you.


There is no path to a higher plane that doesn't involve forcing yourself to move beyond where you are now and uncomfortably grow into who you can be.


Paul says in Philippians 3:8 "More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ" 


Paul had to give up his spiritual pride as a pharisee and let go of his accolades of his birthright and upbringing. To gain Christ, he had to loose himself.

Even Christ Himself gave up his throne and gave up His life to gain us. 

I've never really liked losing and for the sake of my pride, I have held back in almost every area of my life. While other people may have thought I was doing well, I rarely did my best. While other people thought I was running at a high capacity, I was never pushing myself to a place of discomfort - the place of growth. While I seemed good compared to others, its because I put myself in positions where I would't be challenge, couldn't come up short, wouldn't seem like I wasn't enough. That box was getting smaller and smaller and I knew I was feeling claustrophobic. 

This is still an uncommon journey and I have a long way to go. But I am finally willing to lose...and gaining so much in return!

Relentless vs. Restless

I was asked a question that has echoed my own thoughts often in this journey over the past few weeks - where is the rest? How do you give 100% in everything without feeling completely worn? Is there a difference between pushing yourself and pushing too far? Isn't listening to your own need for rest and respite important too?

I have two answers to this line of questioning - the theoretical that I know to be true and the functional of what I am trying to live out. I'll start with the theoretical.

If I am living free of fear, I should be doing less, I should be receiving more quality rest and I should be experiencing a higher degree of satisfaction and peace. Theoretically, the 100% all out life is easier than the life of fear. Here's a couple tangible examples from my own life: 

 - Every night at 8:00pm the crossfit workout for tomorrow is posted on Facebook. I look at it and immediately know whether or not this is going to be extra hard for me or hurt or be uncomfortable. If I am scheduled to go to that workout, I now have hours to worry about it. I can lay awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to imagine just how awful it will be. No rest there.

- There is tension in a relationship and I am afraid to go into those places that are difficult and strained. I want it to be better but I'm afraid of making it worse. My mind become preoccupied with how the conversation might go and my brain is busy swirling through scenarios of conversations (which almost always go poorly in my head). I worry. I can't sleep. I'm preoccupied throughout the day. I'm stressed.

- In effort to make sure people aren't disappointed in me, I say yes, even when I don't really have time or energy. I start filling up my schedule with things that are not what God is calling me to, but simply a reaction of mine - fear of saying no - fear of confrontation - fear of disappointment. And the time for other things simply disappears.

- Due to my pride and fear of losing my reputation, I have an expectation of how much I think I can do and how well it should be done. A party isn't just a party - it's the best party I've ever thrown and better than everyone else's parties. In effort to make sure I look great (or at least better than my peers) I have to go above and beyond, proving my worth. Solidifying my role as the best. And so every activity becomes a competition with myself and with others - even though no one wins at this game. I'm not doing extra because I want to - I'm doing more because I'm afraid of not being enough.

A life free of fear would eliminate so much of the crowding in my schedule. My sleep would dramatically improve and my mental state would be calm and peaceful. In this state, the relentlessly fearless life, becomes a serene and restful life. In the times that are now freed from my previously fear induced activity, I can enjoy a good book, a long walk or even an episode of Gilmore Girls with my daughter. In my free mental state I can be productive when I need to be productive and experience a rested mind when I don't really need to be doing anything. I can sleep in peace.

So how do I break the cycle? How do I determine what is busy work or fearful work and what is actual a necessity in life?

- Change the measure of success: I work full time (between 2 part time jobs), have three kids, a husband, a household to run and local friends and family whom I love. I can't also maintain a list of 6 or 8 or 10 things to do each day. I can do 3. Three things outside of my work and regular household routine. If I forget the fear of my reputation or rejection, I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I can just do a normal day's worth of activity. And that means choices. I'm going to have to choose to not do things. I'm going to say no to people. I'm going to not have the "greatest" _____________ all the time. Some days will be more productive than others but I can't run myself ragged or perpetually feel behind.

- Stop comparing: 100% can look like a lot of different things to different people. When I say I want to give 100% to something, that is not a relative measure. It is a definitive measure set by how God made me. Mine won't look like anyone else's and therefore cannot be compared. I know when I've done my best and I certainly know how it feels to think my best isn't good enough. I need to let that go. It's not about trying to do something less well, but trying to be realistic about what my best looks like - not motivated by pride or fear.

- Less knowledge can be better: Sometimes fear of the unknown stems from knowing just enough to be afraid of it. Knowing the workout is what makes me afraid - because then I dwell on it. Having a practice conversation in a tense situation makes me afraid - because it's already gone badly in my mind.

God didn't tell Abraham everything he would experience to receive the promised son or tell Paul everything that a life of missions would bring. They obeyed based on the knowledge He gave in that moment. Just one step.

Francis Chan "Forgotten God" talks about walking in the Spirit as taking just one step at a time, without knowing the full big picture. The unknown brings fear because we wonder whether or not we are prepared. But prepared for what? We imagine the worst for ourselves and our lives, because that is what drives our fear. But freedom from fear means we don't allow our minds to create scenarios that are never meant to happen. That we have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. The opposite of fear or the key to boldness include power, love and self control. Part of self control is not just saying no to chocolate, but of refusing to let our emotions take us places we don't belong and not letting our minds contrive lies instead of focusing on God's truth. The sword of the Spirit is God's word (Eph 6:17). Our weapon against lies, those from without and those within, come in the truth of God's word.

My dad used to say to me almost every day before we went to school or at the end of an email "be strong and courageous". The passage in Joshua is such a beautiful declaration of God's faithfulness, but I rarely live in light of that promise or the charge God gives. God doesn't say "be strong and courageous and earn my love and acceptance." Joshua 1:9 reads : "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

A life without fear is not one I am supposed to drum up within myself on my own. It is what I should experience by living in the Spirit. I can't do it on my own. The steps I list above are not a new to-do list to worry about failing. It's not a new measure which I feel inadequate next to. It's not a new comparison for me to evaluate myself against. The steps above are simply tangible ways to be more dependent on the Spirit's leading and less influenced by my mind and my emotions. To measure more of my life against the truth of God's word than the inputs of this world. 

The world gives us an overload of examples of what we should look like, what our marriages should be like, what we should own, how much money we should make and what our goals should be. The american christian establishment has it's own standards for looking good enough and christian enough and how to be the best friend or what your free time should be spent on. These feed the fear. These feed the lies. These make us restless. Tired. Discouraged. 

As I search for rest and peace, my first steps are measuring everything I do against the simple question - is God calling me to this now? If not, I need to pray for the mental and emotional freedom to let it go. Relentless committed to the good God has for me should be the most peaceful, Spirit-filled, satisfying, joyful life imaginable. And that's a measure worth pursuing.

Afraid of greatness, so I'll try to be good.

I wanted the last post to stand alone, so this post is really the heart of the previous poetry. This challenge has taught me a lot about discipline and self control. But I've learned something else that I didn't expect. I learned that our sense of equilibrium and being on autopilot is a hugely tempting issue that will recur again and again, no matter how much we improve.

In the course of the first six weeks, I've created a new routine and established new ruts and new walls to keep me safe from the world of the uncommon and the unknown. The "unknown and unknowable" is something CrossFit embraces and embodies so beautifully that it scares most people away. The unknown and unknowable sound scary and uncomfortable. And it is...

I started this journey looking at the process of becoming more disciplined and make better choices for myself. I have done that. But to call that success would lead to a new plateau of mediocrity. It's just a slightly higher level of mediocre than I was idling at before I began.

The true breakthrough, that abandons all fear and embraces the possible, holds a lot more risk than an 8 week improvement program. This fearlessness rubs against my mind in so many ways.When David and I plan our future hiking trips, I fight a dual nature inside of me. Part of me is looking for the known, because its safe and I know I can do it. I can almost guarantee success. And it will be good.

But then there is the other side. There is the unknown - what beauty haven't I experienced yet? What summit have I not climbed? What barrier have I not broken through? And if I were guaranteed success, would I be willing to go?

Truth hurts - because honestly right now, I can say that I probably wouldn't. Even if I could guarantee success, the idea of it being really really hard and pushing me beyond my limits holds me back. Risk means there is a chance of failure. Risk means it could be bad.

Or it could be great.

This is a foundational thought approaching CrossFit but it aligns with all of life so easily.

What if I truly loved unconditionally? The risk is that I won't be loved back. I'll face rejection. I'll be hurt. My love won't be enough to carry both sides of the relationship. So, lets play it safe, hold ourselves back, stay predictable and live in the ruts time and experience have established. Is it great? Not always, but it is pretty regularly good.

What if I poured the very best of me into something? The risk is that I won't be enough - that I still won't succeed. As long as I hold back, every failure has an automatic out in my mind. "Well, you may have failed, but you really didn't have enough time to do this to your full ability. There were too many other things on your plate to really do this well. You could have succeeded if ____________ had been different." But if you give 100% and fail - it's all at your feet.

Six weeks have pushed through some limits and settled into others. The question that remains isn't about the challenge. I can stay in this plateau for another 2 weeks - 2 months - 2 years. But do I want to?

Or do I want to know what is possible?

Afraid

Afraid I'll be tired
So I just stay in bed
Afraid I'll sound silly
So I hang my head
Afraid it will hurt
And I don't want to cry
Afraid I'll fail
So I don't even try
Afraid of pain
So I play it safe
Afraid of change
So I just stay in place
Afraid of my past
So I try to hide
Afraid they'll know
So instead I lie
Keep it superficial
In case I don't belong
Afraid they'll notice
When I'm not feeling strong
A life of fear
Is trapped inside my head
So instead of living
I'm living like I'm dead