Relentless vs. Restless

I was asked a question that has echoed my own thoughts often in this journey over the past few weeks - where is the rest? How do you give 100% in everything without feeling completely worn? Is there a difference between pushing yourself and pushing too far? Isn't listening to your own need for rest and respite important too?

I have two answers to this line of questioning - the theoretical that I know to be true and the functional of what I am trying to live out. I'll start with the theoretical.

If I am living free of fear, I should be doing less, I should be receiving more quality rest and I should be experiencing a higher degree of satisfaction and peace. Theoretically, the 100% all out life is easier than the life of fear. Here's a couple tangible examples from my own life: 

 - Every night at 8:00pm the crossfit workout for tomorrow is posted on Facebook. I look at it and immediately know whether or not this is going to be extra hard for me or hurt or be uncomfortable. If I am scheduled to go to that workout, I now have hours to worry about it. I can lay awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to imagine just how awful it will be. No rest there.

- There is tension in a relationship and I am afraid to go into those places that are difficult and strained. I want it to be better but I'm afraid of making it worse. My mind become preoccupied with how the conversation might go and my brain is busy swirling through scenarios of conversations (which almost always go poorly in my head). I worry. I can't sleep. I'm preoccupied throughout the day. I'm stressed.

- In effort to make sure people aren't disappointed in me, I say yes, even when I don't really have time or energy. I start filling up my schedule with things that are not what God is calling me to, but simply a reaction of mine - fear of saying no - fear of confrontation - fear of disappointment. And the time for other things simply disappears.

- Due to my pride and fear of losing my reputation, I have an expectation of how much I think I can do and how well it should be done. A party isn't just a party - it's the best party I've ever thrown and better than everyone else's parties. In effort to make sure I look great (or at least better than my peers) I have to go above and beyond, proving my worth. Solidifying my role as the best. And so every activity becomes a competition with myself and with others - even though no one wins at this game. I'm not doing extra because I want to - I'm doing more because I'm afraid of not being enough.

A life free of fear would eliminate so much of the crowding in my schedule. My sleep would dramatically improve and my mental state would be calm and peaceful. In this state, the relentlessly fearless life, becomes a serene and restful life. In the times that are now freed from my previously fear induced activity, I can enjoy a good book, a long walk or even an episode of Gilmore Girls with my daughter. In my free mental state I can be productive when I need to be productive and experience a rested mind when I don't really need to be doing anything. I can sleep in peace.

So how do I break the cycle? How do I determine what is busy work or fearful work and what is actual a necessity in life?

- Change the measure of success: I work full time (between 2 part time jobs), have three kids, a husband, a household to run and local friends and family whom I love. I can't also maintain a list of 6 or 8 or 10 things to do each day. I can do 3. Three things outside of my work and regular household routine. If I forget the fear of my reputation or rejection, I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I can just do a normal day's worth of activity. And that means choices. I'm going to have to choose to not do things. I'm going to say no to people. I'm going to not have the "greatest" _____________ all the time. Some days will be more productive than others but I can't run myself ragged or perpetually feel behind.

- Stop comparing: 100% can look like a lot of different things to different people. When I say I want to give 100% to something, that is not a relative measure. It is a definitive measure set by how God made me. Mine won't look like anyone else's and therefore cannot be compared. I know when I've done my best and I certainly know how it feels to think my best isn't good enough. I need to let that go. It's not about trying to do something less well, but trying to be realistic about what my best looks like - not motivated by pride or fear.

- Less knowledge can be better: Sometimes fear of the unknown stems from knowing just enough to be afraid of it. Knowing the workout is what makes me afraid - because then I dwell on it. Having a practice conversation in a tense situation makes me afraid - because it's already gone badly in my mind.

God didn't tell Abraham everything he would experience to receive the promised son or tell Paul everything that a life of missions would bring. They obeyed based on the knowledge He gave in that moment. Just one step.

Francis Chan "Forgotten God" talks about walking in the Spirit as taking just one step at a time, without knowing the full big picture. The unknown brings fear because we wonder whether or not we are prepared. But prepared for what? We imagine the worst for ourselves and our lives, because that is what drives our fear. But freedom from fear means we don't allow our minds to create scenarios that are never meant to happen. That we have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. The opposite of fear or the key to boldness include power, love and self control. Part of self control is not just saying no to chocolate, but of refusing to let our emotions take us places we don't belong and not letting our minds contrive lies instead of focusing on God's truth. The sword of the Spirit is God's word (Eph 6:17). Our weapon against lies, those from without and those within, come in the truth of God's word.

My dad used to say to me almost every day before we went to school or at the end of an email "be strong and courageous". The passage in Joshua is such a beautiful declaration of God's faithfulness, but I rarely live in light of that promise or the charge God gives. God doesn't say "be strong and courageous and earn my love and acceptance." Joshua 1:9 reads : "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

A life without fear is not one I am supposed to drum up within myself on my own. It is what I should experience by living in the Spirit. I can't do it on my own. The steps I list above are not a new to-do list to worry about failing. It's not a new measure which I feel inadequate next to. It's not a new comparison for me to evaluate myself against. The steps above are simply tangible ways to be more dependent on the Spirit's leading and less influenced by my mind and my emotions. To measure more of my life against the truth of God's word than the inputs of this world. 

The world gives us an overload of examples of what we should look like, what our marriages should be like, what we should own, how much money we should make and what our goals should be. The american christian establishment has it's own standards for looking good enough and christian enough and how to be the best friend or what your free time should be spent on. These feed the fear. These feed the lies. These make us restless. Tired. Discouraged. 

As I search for rest and peace, my first steps are measuring everything I do against the simple question - is God calling me to this now? If not, I need to pray for the mental and emotional freedom to let it go. Relentless committed to the good God has for me should be the most peaceful, Spirit-filled, satisfying, joyful life imaginable. And that's a measure worth pursuing.

Afraid of greatness, so I'll try to be good.

I wanted the last post to stand alone, so this post is really the heart of the previous poetry. This challenge has taught me a lot about discipline and self control. But I've learned something else that I didn't expect. I learned that our sense of equilibrium and being on autopilot is a hugely tempting issue that will recur again and again, no matter how much we improve.

In the course of the first six weeks, I've created a new routine and established new ruts and new walls to keep me safe from the world of the uncommon and the unknown. The "unknown and unknowable" is something CrossFit embraces and embodies so beautifully that it scares most people away. The unknown and unknowable sound scary and uncomfortable. And it is...

I started this journey looking at the process of becoming more disciplined and make better choices for myself. I have done that. But to call that success would lead to a new plateau of mediocrity. It's just a slightly higher level of mediocre than I was idling at before I began.

The true breakthrough, that abandons all fear and embraces the possible, holds a lot more risk than an 8 week improvement program. This fearlessness rubs against my mind in so many ways.When David and I plan our future hiking trips, I fight a dual nature inside of me. Part of me is looking for the known, because its safe and I know I can do it. I can almost guarantee success. And it will be good.

But then there is the other side. There is the unknown - what beauty haven't I experienced yet? What summit have I not climbed? What barrier have I not broken through? And if I were guaranteed success, would I be willing to go?

Truth hurts - because honestly right now, I can say that I probably wouldn't. Even if I could guarantee success, the idea of it being really really hard and pushing me beyond my limits holds me back. Risk means there is a chance of failure. Risk means it could be bad.

Or it could be great.

This is a foundational thought approaching CrossFit but it aligns with all of life so easily.

What if I truly loved unconditionally? The risk is that I won't be loved back. I'll face rejection. I'll be hurt. My love won't be enough to carry both sides of the relationship. So, lets play it safe, hold ourselves back, stay predictable and live in the ruts time and experience have established. Is it great? Not always, but it is pretty regularly good.

What if I poured the very best of me into something? The risk is that I won't be enough - that I still won't succeed. As long as I hold back, every failure has an automatic out in my mind. "Well, you may have failed, but you really didn't have enough time to do this to your full ability. There were too many other things on your plate to really do this well. You could have succeeded if ____________ had been different." But if you give 100% and fail - it's all at your feet.

Six weeks have pushed through some limits and settled into others. The question that remains isn't about the challenge. I can stay in this plateau for another 2 weeks - 2 months - 2 years. But do I want to?

Or do I want to know what is possible?

Afraid

Afraid I'll be tired
So I just stay in bed
Afraid I'll sound silly
So I hang my head
Afraid it will hurt
And I don't want to cry
Afraid I'll fail
So I don't even try
Afraid of pain
So I play it safe
Afraid of change
So I just stay in place
Afraid of my past
So I try to hide
Afraid they'll know
So instead I lie
Keep it superficial
In case I don't belong
Afraid they'll notice
When I'm not feeling strong
A life of fear
Is trapped inside my head
So instead of living
I'm living like I'm dead

If nothing changes....

I have to be honest here - this blog is not going to be pretty. But I am in need of some serious mental processing and this is my forum to do so.

I weighed myself because it's Tuesday and 18 days into the challenge I've lost 3 pounds total. No change since last week.

Actually, there are a lot of changes. I'm exercising every day. I'm only eating veggies and meat. I cut my coffee intake from half a pot to 2 cups. I have only had two glasses of wine in those 18 days. I deny myself every single piece of chocolate, fun lunch date food, small treat-um and other yummy indulgence I desire. I have not allowed myself a single morsel, not even eating the lone Kix piece of cereal sitting on the counter when I'm cleaning up breakfast (and YES, that has been a daily temptation).

So here is the honesty - is it worth it? Living with sore muscles and a tired body and a stomach that has to settle for carrot sticks rather than nachos and beer - is it worth it?

While the challenge is about healthy living and not necessarily weight loss, frankly I weigh too much to do the type of exercise I am doing. I can't do a push-up or pull-up without modification because my muscles aren't strong enough to move this much weight around. With each step I jog, all the weight of my body crashes down on my joints. Gravity is pushing me down towards the earth with every step I try to hike up a mountain (with an extra 30 pounds on my back).

The problem with trying is the danger of failing. If I do everything right and my body refuses to release any weight, why not live my days curled up on the sofa reading a book and munching on a snack. It seems like that is what I was made to do....

So now I ask - what would God have me do? Does He care about my weight? If my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, then how am I supposed to treat it?

I've written before that the challenge is good in training in discipline, for discipline's sake, even if nothing else changes. And I believe that to be true. But marrying into a skinny family, with a lithe husband and birthing children that could pose in a "Feed the Starving Children" ad, I feel so out of place. I feel like if I only did more, ate less, exercised harder - then I could fit in too. The I wouldn't be the lone fat person in the Christmas picture of a skinny family.

Will 8 weeks of discipline bring the peaceful fruit of righteousness or will I just find a new depth of discouragement? Can I claim victory in mastering my will and be satisfied, even if nothing else changes?

Here's the deeper question - if God is my everything, does my weight even matter? If God is my satisfaction, then what is answering the call to obedience to Him look like in each day? I can intellectually assert that Jesus + nothing = Everything, but how does that relate to my modified push-up?

To be honest, I don't want to be loved and accepted just as I am - I want to change. Jesus told the prostitute "go and sin no more", not "good luck finding your next client". He told the rich young ruler to give away all he had and follow Him - the ruler was sad because he didn't want that type of change. The rich man wanted a type of obedience that fit his model of living. I'm willing to abandon my model of living, but I'd like to see a change from it too. Is that asking for a reward? Am I unwilling to let go of my version of what I think God's plan should include?

So here's the plea of a broken heart - Lord, don't let me remain unchanged. It may not be my weight than concerns You. It may be my very soul instead. Just don't leave me here questioning - give me Your vision instead.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Uncommon Goals

Imagine 10 years from now...our kids are all in college or already graduated. David and I have sold the house, quit our normal jobs and moved to a cabin in the back woods near the Smokies where I am able to work as an author/grant consultant doing the majority of my work from home and he is able to work as a part time nurse practitioner on a flexible schedule at the local ER or medical center. We work to save for our next big trek through the Appalachian Trail, Pacific Crest trail or trip to Everest Base Camp. Our packs are covered with patches of trails we've hiked and our walls are covered with photos of mountain top vistas, amber waves of grain and costal horizons that seem to go to infinity. Sometimes we hike alone and sometimes with friends or family or our kids. We work hard when we work, we play hard when we play, and we enjoy the seclusion of our cabin when we rest. Breathe in - breathe out - feel that sense of peace and calm....so do I. And I love that image.

It sounds crazy. And maybe it is, a little. But more than that, it's uncommon. It's a life people dream about but never find a way to execute. It all sounds fun, but in the daily grind of normal living, the days start blending together and another decade passes and you are no closer to your dream than you were 10 years ago. Most people chalk up their dreams as unrealistic because it doesn't fit into the normal framework. Life is good - give up on it being great.

I don't believe it has to be this way. I believe the dream is achievable, but only when the goal is greater than the ordinary good. Like every other area of discipline, how we spend our time, our money, the career steps we take along the way, all blend together to paint the picture not only of our present but also form our future. We cannot wake up one day and live a reality so radically different from our yesterday. But if each step we are taking slowly moves us closer to our goal, the radical sounding future slowly becomes the next logical step.

This goal will take specific steps in education and career direction. It will take extraordinary discipline in financial matters. It will take choosing to say no to the ordinary good in front of us again and again, with our thoughts towards the future instead. But if the goal is for great, than good may not be enough. Good looks a lot less appealing than great.

When the Israelites were first traveling from Egypt, they had a destination. Oppression and slavery were behind them and the Promise Land was before them. They had seen God's mighty hand against the Egyptians and their feet had walked on the river bed that God Himself had parted for their miraculous escape. Great was before them. As they kept walking God provided all their needs. He had something great for them - a promise of a land of their own that was more than they could ask or imagine. Greatness was just a hike away.

As their feet kept moving, the slavery seemed less awful to the certainty they had experience in the day to day ordinary. The promised great started to fade and their motivation wained. God was no less faithful, but their patience with Him was wearing thin. And they began to rebel. They complain. They hardened their hearts. They made idols. They doubted the promise. Their memories betrayed them and they began to think of their life in Egypt as good. They couldn't picture the great anymore. Eventually, they all died in the wilderness, wandering day by day, never getting to receive the promise except for the two who had believed in God's great plan above the ordinariness everyone else began to long for. Great is hard - and most people will sacrifice great for the good or even the "just ok".

Now I don't know if God is calling us to this life. David and I have talked about it for so long, I can no longer pinpoint when the dream began. And yet, the steps we need to take for this dream might be His preparation to send us to the mission field overseas, or move us into ministry somewhere we haven't even imagined yet. I believe that if God calls us on a path, then He is preparing us for something great, even if we don't really understand the destination He has in mind.

But I believe in a great God who does great things - good just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.

More on discipline

Yesterday I began the Whole Life Challenge, using my daily food plan, reflection time, mobility training, journaling, water intake, and other recorded standards. I had a plan and I worked my plan. This sort of rigidity does not come naturally to me, but I have great examples in my life of people who can simply flip a switch and follow a set course of action.

Emulating what I have seen in them, I felt....powerful....

It was amazing to not care about how I felt or my personal preferences. I quickly learned that during this challenge, I was going to feel a lot of different things but that didn't change my plan. Again, this is new. Normally I am pretty directly influenced by my feelings and urges. They help me to be fun and spontaneous. I add flavor to other people's lives by having ideas of what could be fun or exciting in the moment. People who have eaten out with me often wait until the very moment we are leaving for a restaurant to decide what we are eating, knowing that I probably have some impulse that I will not be swayed from. (I have very gracious friends...)

Last time I spoke of discipline as something we should pursue meaningfully and purposefully combat the image in our heads that discipline is bad or wrong or representative of punishment. This time I want to go one step further. I propose that discipline be pursued for discipline's sake. It is not a matter of losing weight or beginning a habit. Discipline is self training that puts us in charge of our emotions and keeps us from being swayed by the half-truths of our lives and our surroundings.

Yesterday, I felt hungry. I wasn't getting to eat anything I really "felt" like eating, but instead ate each thing I was supposed to eat according to my plan, at the appropriate time and in the specific quantities. I wasn't satisfied with it. I wanted nachos. And beer. And brownies. My calculations of my Basal Metabolic Rate and estimated exertion gave me the correct number of calories and my protein rich diet specified how many calories come from the macronutrient categories of carbs, protein and fat. I knew I had eaten everything I needed to eat but emotionally I wasn't satisfied. Without such a structured plan, my emotion could have tricked me into thinking that I was physically hungry, rather than emotionally disappointed with lack of chocolate. I also didn't feel like exercising. I knew I needed to, but without a check box, I would have allowed myself to sit on the couch and read, rather than force myself to do the very exercise that I had allowed for in my plan. 

If you don't know me - you can't begin to imagine how foreign this lifestyle is for me. It's like I woke up in opposite universe instead of my normal life. But at the end of the day, I felt powerful.

2 Tim 1:7 says that the Lord has given us a spirit of power, love and self-control. This idea of Spirit given self-control kept me going all day yesterday, but the implications of this are HUGE.

I can accomplish anything I set out to do. Period.

So what do I really want to do?

Fitness and diet are only one facet of me and certainly not the most important area for my immortal soul. Am I using this spiritual gifting to draw my closer to the Lord. Am I using this discipline to dive into the Word? Am I using this power to cast out fear and boldly follow wherever God leads?

We don't pursue discipline for a goal of our own making, but rather to live a life of obedience, whatever that call may be. Personally, I do feel God is calling me to address my health and fitness in this time. But it isn't the only call on my life. To shy away from His call into His service rejects the very gift He has given me to improve my health and well-being. That is why the verse begins with "For God has not given us a spirit of fear or timidity....."

He does not want us living timid lives, fearful of the path He may call us to. We might live a life similar to that of Paul. Or maybe of Job. Whatever the case may be, it will be for His glory and for our best. He will work His will through our lives into a vision of glory. But we must be disciplined to obey His call, whatever the case may be. We must be disciplined with the truth to know that He will provide the power to move the mountain before us. 

1 Peter 1:5-8 says "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Wedged between faith and love is a list of qualities that are ours and are increasing by the Spirit, for the purpose of being useful and fruitful. Self control comes from knowledge of what is true and leads to perseverance. Because I know the truth, I can combat my emotional response to the situation and persevere in the correct path. This is the power of the Holy Spirit alive in me and anyone who calls on Him. 

Hallelujah and amen.

Uncommon Discipline

Several times a year, at Crossfit Uncommon, the owners have members voluntarily join a challenge, designed to help us refocus and add motivation to our progress in exercise and nutrition. Lately, they have been following an 8 week challenge called the Whole Life Challenge, which equips people in eating, exercise, stretching, water intake, sleep and other positive health items. It's difficult to maintain discipline for 8 weeks with such high restrictions from normal day-to-day life. I'll be honest and admit that I have yet to successfully complete a challenge. There is always a point where I just get tired of it and give up.

This frustration with discipline is something that has been nagging me for over a year and I have yet to identify the root of the problem, except to say I am a sinful, fallen being. Discipline is something that our society views as difficult, bad or even limiting. Discipline keeps us from fulfilling our momentary desires and instead calls us to a path of restrictions and limitations. It is the antithesis of western ideals. 

My other problem with discipline is that I am a parent of middle school children, who have long since moved on from sins of "don't touch that" and are showing behaviors that manifest character traits. There is no easy answer for the son who is just being sullen and rude and mean. There is no easy answer for the daughter who is extraordinarily self-absorbed. Call me if you know what to do with the bright child who refuses to do homework and turn it in on time! These aren't single occurrence issues and rarely are the offenses earth shattering. They are small comments, slights, and acts of defiance. Some of this is simply the natural process of growing up and testing new boundaries of independence. And some of it requires parental input and consequences. Like me, my children view discipline as a negative, a restriction (like of TV or video games or hanging out with friends).

But this is not the view of discipline of elite athletes, of philosophers or of scripture. In arenas where excellence is expected and pursued, discipline is seen as one of the single most impactful equipping characteristics of an individual.

David Brooks writes in "The Road to Character", "You have to surrender to something outside of yourself to gain strength within yourself. You have to conquer your desire to get what you crave." Later he continues, "The essential drama of life is the drama to construct character, which is an engraved set of disciplined habits, a settles disposition to do good." 

The author of Hebrews writes "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." (Heb 12:11) and in Proverbs 3:12, Hebrews 12:6 and Revelation 3:19, it says that the Father disciplines whom He loves. The idea here is that discipline is in itself a good thing, bringing about peaceful fruit and this desirable result is for those whom God loves. But most of the time we view discipline as hard and bad - not peaceful. 

In Galatians 5:1, Paul writes "It is for freedom Christ set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery." Here we clearly see the biblical perspective (which is not surprisingly the opposite of the world) where sin is slavery. Abandonment to our urges and desires, doing whatever we want to do is actually a form of slavery - a yoke - something that has us bound and unable to make the adjustments we want to make. Freedom, is living under God's order for our lives.; submitting ourselves to His discipline and His standards and His will. Tim Keller gives the image of a fish - a fish freed from water is not free, he is dead. True freedom is to live as we were made to live, embracing the natural order established for. Discipline, is submitting ourselves to the better order for our lives. Restricting those things that lead to our ill and pursuing those things that lead to our benefit. 

This may not sound that earth shattering to you, but the implications in day to day life are actually pretty uncommon. What if I pursued the carrot instead of the cheeseburger? What if I viewed the carrot as a reward, a blessing, the peaceful fruit (or vegetable) of a life well lived? What if I was excited each morning I woke up as another day to exercise? What if I saw joy in my training, because the training was making me more of who I was meant to be, rather than the potato shaped lump under a blanket on the couch reading a book?

What if I chased after God's word and opened it with the same frequency I opened Facebook or read the news on my phone? What if I spent as much time memorizing scripture as I did watching Netflix? 

Peter Deiwert, writes on the back of the Crossfit workout journal, "Common is expecting things to be given to you rather than embracing the joy of hard work." In his latest blog about succeed in the Whole Life Challenge, he writes, "Mental toughness is the discipline to take small steps consistently, towards a larger goal." We are to embrace the hard work with joy, moving consistently towards the bigger goal. In this there is fruit we can see and experience and enjoy.

Discipline is the small daily acts that together form a picture of our character - our true self. It is the little lies in our heads that move us further and further from who we were made to be, to the common ground of mediocrity, apathy, and resignation to a lesser life. Lies might include: "That's too hard" or "It's only one piece of chocolate" or "Everyone else...." or "I've been so good today" or "But I deserve this". These lies give us permission to depart from the road we truly want to walk and drift towards the middle ground of nothingness. We become a fish out of water, flopping around on the land, knowing that we aren't where we belong and that we were made for more. We begin to look at all the moments we gave into our desires or moments we gave up trying as failures and regrets. In hindsight, those choices to give into the lesser desire of the moment looks dull and grey, instead of shiny and exciting as it did at the time. 

Discipline is not some grand statement about summiting our personal Everest. It isn't a huge fork in the road or monumental decision. Discipline is exercised in a thousand little decisions every day, pursuing our best (or His best for us) rather than being swayed by our environment, emotions and circumstances. Discipline is a single step. Just one. One step on the narrow path, followed by another, and another, until one day you look and you are standing at the top of your mountain. Discipline has the mental fortitude to engage in this moment as both a singular moment in time and as a part of the grand design of life all at the same time. You can say to yourself, I choose to desire the greater thing in this moment, not because it is what necessarily feels the best or is even what I want, but because the greater thing is worth more than whatever reward, treat, rest, that I am being pulled towards now. 

On March 11th, I give you all permission to ask me how the challenge went. But even more than that, I invite you to ask me how yesterday went - because the challenge is not accomplished in a grand moments, but the 33,868,800 moments along the way. 

Thankfully we are not alone in this. Paul writes to Timothy, "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and self-discipline." (2 Tim 1:7) We were made to live a life of self-discipline. This is God's desire for our best and for His glory. May it be true of me.