Uncommon Death

Date	Weight	Fat %	BMI
11/10/15	200.2 lbs	35.30%	30.6
11/17/15	201.6 lbs	33.30%	30.9

 The truth is ugly, but there you go. It needed to be put down in black and white and theoretically anyone on the planet could view what I used to consider top secret information. I wrote last time about uncommon friends holding me accountable, but the first step is being accountable to myself. I hadn't weighed myself in eons, so on the morning of November 10th, I was't really sure what I would see. I spent the next week at a conference eating carbs, drinking beer and sitting in uncomfortable chairs all week. I didn't know what to expect on Tuesday, but I knew it wouldn't be good. It wasn't.

I don't have a goal weight or BMI or fat percentage. I actually am very proud of divorcing my self image from the numbers reported above. However, I do have multiple goals for my future activities. I'm planning on a marathon next November and a mini-triathlon in April. David and I have plans for a hiking trip in March where we would backpack over 10 miles a day for 3-4 days in a row. Every pound of fat I carry on my body is one more pound of force on my knees when I run; one more pound that gets pulled up and down the mountain; one more pound of resistance in the water when I swim. It isn't about a weight - it's about a lifestyle.

While my weight isn't my focus for an uncommon life, it can serve as an excellent barometer for my life activities. When I live without margin, I eat poorly and I rarely exercise. On the days exercise makes my to-do list, it is the first thing to be pushed off the list to make room for the inevitable change in schedule or crisis of the moment. Yesterday's inevitable change was my daughter asking me to play piano with her. There isn't a single moment I regretted for playing with her, instead of doing push-ups and air squats. But in the uncommon life I've been aiming for, there is enough buffer in my schedule that I can make room to talk to my son, play piano with my daughter or help a friend in need without sacrificing the things I know are good for me - that support my goals for a healthy and active life. So every Tuesday, I will add to this chart and publish it for all to see. I won't always write about it - but I feel like I have struggled with my weight and self-image long enough that it deserves some attention. 

The process of meeting these activity goals requires short-term sacrifice for long term gain. It means I give up the good to pursue the great. It means I say no to myself in the moment to say yes to the next step in the journey. Kristen Armstrong talks about her process of forgiving her unfaithful husband (THE Lance Armstrong) saying that she had to first act gracious before she actually felt gracious. She said " I can act my way into a feeling a lot more easily than I can feel my way into an action." This is an uncommon lifestyle - to choose to act in the direction you want to go, even when you don't feel like it or don't want to. This is echoed by a phenomenal Franciscan priest who takes it one step further, acknowledging that our will is not strong enough to move us into these actions - especially when we don't feel like it. Father Rohr writes "You don't become more charitable by saying to yourself, 'Be charitable'. You actually become more charitable by noticing when you are not being charitable and "weeping" over it." 

It is coming toe to toe with the places we fail and identifying the need to change that allows us to actually turn into a new way of being.

Cardinal Newman said "To live is to change and to be perfect is to have changed often." This spiritual dying to oneself is the key to an uncommon life. For a believer, change comes through the Holy Spirit helping us to die to ourselves and live into the righteousness of Christ. Less of me - more of Him. This uncommon death sees that only though dying to oneself can we truly live. My first blog quoted Jesus offering abundant life. But we cannot claim the life He offers when holding tightly to the one we have created for ourselves. I must die to the life I built up to claim the life He graciously gives me. And dying is hard.

I watched my grandmother die. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. She was a gracious, forgiving, patient woman of Christ who lived a life dying to herself - letting go of aspirations; releasing her hand from unmet expectations in marriage; confronting mistakes with a tenacious humility. She was willing to continually die to herself with the desire to live more deeply into the blessings God had for her in this life. And as her body failed her day after day, she became closer and closer to living the most abundant life in heaven with Christ. When she accepted Christ as a child, she was born again into a physical life of dying to herself through the Holy Spirit. And then, when she physically died, she was born again into an eternity of peace. These uncommon deaths were only the beginning.

It begins with the humble desire of recognizing the places my heart clings to the common (because it feels so comfortable and cozy and familiar) and embracing my powerlessness. From this empty hand and bent knee, I can ask for the Holy Spirit to give me the ability to turn from what was and die to the old, living into new life. I won't feel like it at first. It will be uncomfortable and new. It will make me face the dark places of my life and idols of my heart. 

But from this place of death, I can move towards the uncommon life.