Desire

I've had so much running through my head it has been hard to form coherent thoughts, let alone sentences, but now I feel like I can start to express some of these new insights.

I've had a unique experience lately of being able to compare what I have felt like I was supposed to do with what I actually desire to do. Desire has always seemed like a bad word to me, almost synonymous with sin. Desire is that longing inside you that should be repressed and remain unspoken. Even desires that aren't sinful somehow seem wrong because it feels selfish or immature.

Without giving into desire, I've kept trying to fill my days with activity, hoping something will satisfy.  I had resigned myself to equating sleep with rest, accolades with success and busyness with fulfillment. I thought that in a broken world, being a fallen individual, this was a good as it could get. And yet, in the face of my desires, I have found how lacking the lists of crossed off accomplishments truly are.

I've been blessed with the opportunity to be heard, instead of listened to. I've been known, instead of just liked. I've experienced true community, instead of simply standing with a crowd. I've experienced things that awaken my spirit in a new way, where I'm drawn into the process, rather than trying to move as quickly as I can to get it done. I've been given for a vision that trades in a life well-lived for a life well-loved.

Somewhere in the midst of giving up my lists, I've given into a reality that reaches the deepest longings of my heart. Instead of waiting for the journey to be over, I'm looking forward to each step a long the way.