Depression Series - Volume 2

Depression does not mean sad

It’s not surprising that so many famous artists are depressed. Be it actors, comedians, musicians, painters, dancers or poets, many of those who have created the most moving works have also openly battled with depression. Being an artist doesn’t make you depressed – but if you are depressed and you can find some medium for expressing those emotions, I think you cling to it like a life preserver. For me, it’s writing. In putting pen to paper, so much of the swirling in my brain takes shape and I can release some of the tension pent up inside of me. The words, in black and white in front of me, have both more and less power. While only in my mind, they taunt me, ridicule me and tell me that I am trapped with them. Once on paper, I see them for what they are…versions of reality, half-truths, temporary conditions and past hurts and traumatic experiences. On paper, I can evaluate these fractured emotions and partially formed thoughts with a little more distance and a little less gravity. For me, this is a form of therapy.

Artist convey much of themselves onto their canvas of choice. The emotion flows from a deep place within and can bring wonder and delight to those who experience their art. Artist can move others to catch a glimpse of the depths within their own souls. And it isn’t all a feeling of sadness. While depressed people may feel sad, we might also feel happy or have fun or enjoy life. When depressed,  there certainly might seem like the balance has shifted to being sad more often, but there is an underlying current that remains that is deeper than sadness.

What is this underlying state that colors everything else? I honestly can’t tell you. I’m pretty sure it’s different for everyone and I don’t think I can put a name on my own, but I do see a common manifestation of depression – hiding.

Hiding can be done under the covers or by never leaving the house or by standing in a corner alone in a crowded room. Hiding can happen in a conversation where you keep the conversation light and plaster a fake smile on your face. It’s found when people ask you how you are and you brightly smile and say “I’m fine”….because you know in your heart that being fine is the only answer people want to hear. So, behind fake smiles, “I’m fine” responses and closed doors, we hide.

My son, who has serious issues about trying to play video games when he was supposed to be doing other work, literally sat in the living room, right in front of me, with a blanket covering his whole body, head and all, while he was “reading” on his chrome book. The whole “I’m going to read on my chrome book” was plausible, as they have several online books they are supposed to be reading, but the fact that he needed to cover himself with a blanket made the entire scenario suspect. It’s like in Genesis when God calls for Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. They knew they broke the rules so they went to find some figs leaves to make clothes and hid. Adam says to God “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Genesis 3:10)

Shockingly, when my son heard me walking towards him, he quickly closed the video game tab. Just like the garden: I know I’m going to get caught doing something wrong so I will hide.

With depression, there is always an undercurrent of something being wrong. We might think it is wrong with the world, but I would guess more people feel the way I do – that something is wrong inside of me. There is a world of people out there who are actually, legitimately fine – and yet I am not. And so we hide. It doesn’t mean we are sad. But exposing ourselves seems like a particularly dangerous thing to do. We can either be exhausted by the fake, socially appropriate interactions or we can function in small safe places with most of our walls down. But, for me, and maybe others you know, there is always an element of hiding. I may not carry a security blanket around the house, but I certainly don’t leave home without a solid barrier between my heart and the world. Only a very, very, very select few are allowed in.

Francesca Battistelli’s song “If We’re Honest” begins:

The truth is harder than a lie

The dark seems safer than the light

And everyone has a heart that loves to hide

If we’re honest, we all hide in some way or another. We all deal with fears and insecurities. We all have a feeling that something inside may be wrong with us, especially compared to the beautiful Facebook lives carefully crafted and dutifully liked, showing just how blessed we all are.

And yet, inside my head, a constant uneasiness remains. A quiet condemning voice. A whisper of fear. It’s a dark place to be. But sometimes the dark seems safer than the light.